Vicious Cycle

Two weeks have passed since my last workout.  The first week and a half, because I had too much work to do (honestly) - the last half week, because I've been sick.  Today's weather was gorgeous, and I wanted to take my roomate's dog and go jog outside.  Instead, I chose to go to Sonic with a couple friends and devour every kind of fried food offered.

I'm having a hard time getting back on track here.  As I was eating my Sonic food, I thought I felt free and able to do and eat whatever I wanted, whatever looked or sounded good.  I was exercising my freedom of choice, my independence.  If you know me at all, you know I am fiercely independent.  I'm not a huge fan of the idea of marriage and I don't want kids because I want to be able to live my life exactly how I want to live it, to make spontaneous choices, to be able to get up and move whenever I feel like it.  In the back of my mind, I don't consider myself happy with life unless I have the ability to get up and move to another house, another street, another city.  I thought about being a nurse for a long time because I knew I could find a job anywhere.  I don't want to find myself stuck somewhere, unhappy.  I want all options open to me at all times.

I think this is part of the reason I have such a hard time sticking to my weight-loss plan.  I have to tell myself I'm not allowed to eat cookies or go to Sonic because I can't control myself around those kinds of food, and at the same time I feel deprived because those options aren't available to me.  The second I let myself "take a break", I go nuts.  I inhale fatty food, cookies, ice cream, whatever I want.  I never have the problem of guilt.  In fact, I feel happy about eating whatever I wanted - about having all those options open to me.

I'm realizing now that I've put myself in a very vicious mental cycle.  I want to be able to really live my life, so I let myself eat whatever.  But if I want to have that freedom that I crave, the freedom to get up and move without a second thought, I can't eat the way I've been eating.  I'm just going to end up trapped in a fat suit I can't take off.  I'm going to find myself stuck somewhere, unhappy.

I refuse to settle for being only kind of happy because I'm overweight and I've fooled myself into thinking eating whatever I want makes me happy.  This has to stop.  And not tomorrow, today.  Right now.

I'm going to the gym.


EDIT:

So, the next time you look up the definition for "Rockstar", this is the picture you're gonna see:

 

I know I don't look that sweaty, but hah...trust me...I was nasty.

I mentioned before I wanted to hit 1750 calories burned per week - half a pound.  I wanted to get a jump on it this week (and wanted to redeem myself a little after Sonic), so I spent 1.75 hours in the gym.  I burned 400 on the bike and then 350 on the elliptical.  That equals 750, which leaves me with 1000 left to do this week.  I feel pretty good about that, and pretty damn good about my ability to do all that after two weeks of not exercising at all without passing out.  Props to me, man.

Well, I'm starving, so I'm gonna go eat something healthy.  Adios, kids. <3