Friday, December 10, 2010

Exciting!

Hi guys!  Just a nice short post today because I have an awesome loss to report and I've had some sweet NSVs today.

So according to my scale this morning I weight 206.5!  I'm really not sure how that happened in a week and a half, but I'm loving the velocity.  8.5 pounds certainly seems like a lot in 12 days, but I'm eating plenty and am not working myself to death.  I'm doing very reasonable, moderate cardio, reasonable strength training, and just a bit of yoga.  My MayoClinic food pyramid diet doesn't leave me hungry ever, and I still get to eat chocolate (just the right amount of it).  I'm feeling strong and alert and that if I continued my life in this vein forever, I would never feel unhappy with it.


Onto my NSVs!
1. My jeans, size 15/16 from Maurice's, the only ones I could wear comfortably at 215, are now sliding right off my ass.  I can put them on and take them off without unbuttoning or unzipping them, and spent a good part of my shift at work this morning hiking them up every two minutes.  And I'm so very close to fitting in to jeans I wore at 200 earlier this year.

2.  I ran for the bus today and didn't get winded.  I was at the bus stop talking on the phone to my dad, and my bus came before a bus that it usually comes after, so I wasn't standing close enough to the street for him to stop.  I needed to get on that bus, so I sprinted about a block down to the next bus stop and only needed a few seconds to catch my breath - and this was in the cold, carrying a bookbag.

3.  I walked up steps to the museum that usually are nearly impossible - today, they weren't.  For the past month or so I've avoided walking to the museum so that I wouldn't have to climb these stairs.  They aren't particularly steep, but after walking briskly there to make it on time they were just hard as hell to do.  And then I had to spend a couple minutes catching my breath before I went inside.  But today, I walked all the way there and up each little flight of steps and made it inside without being winded. 

Well I've finished a paper and am now officially tired and in need of sleep.  Have a nice night, blogosphere.  : )


EDIT:  Y'know, I've been thinking.  Although I'm really on a roll here, I'm going home for the holidays in a week and a half, and I know that my grandma is going to have plenty of delicious treats around for snacking on.  So I've decided to commit myself to this challenge: 20 Salads in December. However, I saw it a little late, so my December is gonna be extended to January 9th.  I've noticed that what I really seem to have trouble eating enough of is vegetables, and since salads are such a great way to up my veggie intake, 20 in a month should definitely help me stave off holiday weight gain by keeping me from eating too much rich food.

Well since I had two salads today, a caesar for part of lunch and a really delicious one for dinner, that leaves me with 18 to go!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

When having a netbook really comes in handy...

I have about six minutes before my Museum Studies class begins, and would like to tell you about my day.

The alarms my boyfriend sets for me went off at 6 and 6:15 this morning, although I was so exhausted from being on campus until 10:30 last night that I didn't get up until about 6:30, usually when I'm leaving the apartment to go warm up the car.  I left about five minutes late, had to stop and put gas in Guido (my tempermental, no-frills Cavalier), which put me about ten minutes late for work.  Tuesdays are the days I work seven hours in a row, from 7am to 2pm.  Since it's about twenty degrees in Bloomington right now, that meant it was only fourty degrees at work - the cafe I work in is just inside the glass atrium of a very busy building, meaning the outside doors are constantly opening and closing, which makes it freezing.  It was so cold that I had to wear my coat and gloves just to comfortably stand at the cash register.  Not only was I exhausted and freezing, but people were being incredibly rude and I'm stressed over a project I've been forced to complete last minute that happens to be worth 20% of my grade in a class I really need to get an A in.  So, my day is not going well.  I skipped my workout yesterday because I was on campus, and when I sat down here before class I had decided that I was going to go home, take a nap, give up on eating healthfully, and then work on my project until my eyes began to bleed.  And then, because I carry my netbook with me everywhere, I checked the blogs I like to read and saw this message from Jack to one of his Bodfather subjects:

"And I'll go ahead and say this right to your face: get your priorities straight! A career is important, to be sure, but don't relegate taking care of yourself down the list. Yesterday I was working on a project with an afternoon deadline that I was woefully behind on. My first impulse was to skip my noontime workout and knock the project out, but at the last minute I said "F that" and went and did my thang, trusting that I work even better under pressure (well, maybe not "better" but definitely "faster"). It all worked out in the end AND I got my workout in. I know that law can be an intense profession, but you're not gonna be in any shape to enjoy those big bucks you're pulling in unless you make some big-time changes in your life. 
"

Now I'm obviously not a lawyer, but I saw something for me in this post too.  Even though my life is hectic this week, it's still important to be committed to my goals and my workout schedule.  Those things are just as, if not more, important than my school projects.


So even though all I want to do is go home and take a nap, I'm gonna go home and change and then go workout.  And then work on my project.  And maybe if my project goes well, I'll take a nap anyway.


A happy Tuesday to everyone.  Stay warm.  : )

Monday, December 6, 2010

BRAAAAAAINS.

Do I have your attention?  Good.  : )  Forgive me, because this is gonna be long.



I would like you all to know that I am finally beginning to fulfill the goal I set when I started this blog almost a year ago.  I wanted to lose fifty pounds in a year, but I didn't - I lost, I gained, I lost, I gained, and I gained some more.  I'm realizing now that I had the wrong goal.  Although I jabbered on alot in some early posts about my health being the reason I wanted to lose weight, I'm not sure that it ever really was.  Really, I just wanted to be thin.  When I thought about how I would have changed after achieving my "goal", all I saw was a skinnier version of myself.  In my visions for the future, I didn't focus on how the inside of that skinny body might be healthier, how the mind attached to that body might be happier and less troubled.  I just thought "Thin, thin, thin, I want to be thin". 

Over this past year, I stumbled trying to achieve my ultimate vision of Thinness.  The 15 of you who read this have probably noticed my inability to commit to any decision ("I'm gonna track all week", "I'm gonna work out five days a week", "I'm gonna focus on eating well", etc) and my general lack of focus and willpower.  I never lost the weight I wanted to, even when I was on a roll.  Now that I can reflect on the year, I see the reason why: it's been a bit of a rollercoaster, and not just in terms of my weight. I had a terrible, stressful, infuriating spring semester that led into a summer spending 8 hours a day bored out of my mind and surrounded by food.  I moved in with my boyfriend, a huge transition from living with roommates.  I began my senior year of college, began planning for the next few years of my life.  I had to decide if moving back home, breaking up with said boyfriend, and separating myself from my friends was worth being able to find a job and save money for my move to the UK for grad school.  I've also gone through some internal turmoil, trying to find the right path for my life to move down, trying to understand the emotional issues behind my eating problems, learning to love myself and create a new identity as a strong, balanced, and independent woman.  I've spent the year trying to allow the person that I know I could be, that I know I really am, to come alive and flourish.  And in the process of handling these quiet changes that perhaps nobody else observed, I've realized that weight loss really needs to generate from a different headspace than "Thin, thin, thin, I want to be thin". 

I have recently recommitted myself to losing weight, but not just for the sake of being thin.  For anyone who thinks this is me once again saying "I'm going to do X! I'm motivated, I'm ready!" only to just give it up a couple weeks in, let me tell you what I've learned this year.  I've learned that we can only achieve significant weight loss if our goals have nothing to do with losing weight.  Extra weight is a symptom of a larger problem that needs to be addressed.  The process of losing our extra weight is not only a process of learning to eat less and move more, it is also a process of self-realization, self-acceptance, and self-love. 

Many of us feel that our extra weight is due to causes beyond our control, but we must realize that we have the power to change our lives.  Food does not have power over us.  Laziness and apathy do not have power over us.  There is nothing that has power over our actions more than we do.  Successful weight loss begins when we embrace how powerful we can be and make honest, concentrated efforts to change ourselves (however, this means we must also embrace the fact that when we fail to achieve our goals, there is nobody else to blame but ourselves).  Successful weight loss also begins when we realize the true impact of our extra weight on our health.  A week ago I started eating healthfully when I realized that the way I had been eating was slowly killing me.  Every extra pound I packed on due to cookies, ice cream, and bagels with extra cream cheese was compromising my health.  Something in my head clicked when I saw that my eating habits (something that I have the power to change) would prevent me from experiencing the long, rich, and healthy life I want to lead. 

Jack's handy Buddhist motto of "Be mindful and don't suffer" has been resonating in my head for the past couple of weeks.  Why would we choose to eat in a harmful manner when it limits the scope of our lives?  Why would we willingly suffer?  Maybe because we haven't yet figured what it is about our lives that is worth changing the way we eat and exercise (and if you still haven't figured out the answer, it's "everything").  Maybe because we haven't yet realized how much we're suffering from eating poorly and not exercising.  If you're having trouble losing weight, I really urge you to think about the impact that extra weight has upon your life, and the ways in which it is limiting the only 100 years you get.  Just as you would do whatever's best for somebody you love, you need to love yourself and do what's best for you.  Be mindful and don't suffer. 



Okay, well.  Now that that's all out of my system, let me break down the ways in which I'm loving myself and asserting power over my life.  Let's start with food.

Here's what I should be eating per day, according to Mayo Clinic:

They recommend I eat 1200 calories daily, but I believe that focusing on calories instead of nutrition is a bit dangerous.  Weight Watchers recently revamped their program to recognize that not every calorie is created equal, and I'm taking a leaf out of their book and trying to make sure I eat from every food group and eat a balanced diet, versus trying to achieve a daily calorie goal.  I still tally up my calories as best I can to ensure I'm close to 1200 so that I do lose the dangerous weight around my core, but it's not my focus.  My focus is being healthy.

Also, see where at the bottom in orange it says "Print your complete pyramid plan, including a full serving size list"?  You should really fill out this pyramid and check out that food serving list.  I have it saved to my computer for easy reference, and I've found it to be incredibly helpful with making sure that I'm eating proper portions so that I can accurately record my servings.  You should definitely poke around Mayo Clinic's website, they have great resources for people trying to be more fit and healthy.


Now, this is how I'm exercising.  My pyramid says I should aim for 30-60 minutes of moderate activity daily, so I created an exercise schedule that outlines activity for every day of the week (you might have to click on it to open it in a new window to see all of it).


This schedule is adapted for my class schedule this semester.  Once this semester ends in two weeks, I'll have to redo it for next semester but it'll contain the same amount of stuff: 3 days cardio, 3 days yoga, 2 days strength training, unless I have room to add in more cardio. 

I've stuck to this schedule this whole past week and I love it - I actually want to do the cardio whereas earlier this year I dreaded it, the strength training makes me feel awesome, and the yoga rounds it all out for a balanced week.  I'm still dancing for a couple hours a week on top of this, so I'm working toward becoming a very active woman. 

I have to say that eating according to my pyramid and following my exercise schedule has made a huge difference in my energy levels, in my happiness, in my comfort with my body, in my confidence, in my skin, in virtually every area of my life.  And to make it even better, I lost three pounds for a current weight of 210.  : )  I figured out that if I lose slightly less than two pounds per week, not counting breaks from school, that I'll lose fifty pounds by graduation.  Not only can I imagine how awesome I'll look fifty pounds lighter, but it would put me in a great place to begin the next phase of my life.  It's my less important goal, though, and I won't be upset if I don't achieve it.  What is really my goal is following my pyramid and my exercise schedule and trying to coax out the healthy person inside me.

Once the new year rolls in, I'm probably going to revamp my blog, if not get a new one entirely.  Now that I've found my focus and my stride, I really want to contribute to this wonderful community however I can.  I'll use my new blog to help keep me in power over my decisions, but I also want to share any information I can find on being healthy and fit with the rest of you.  Until then, look forward to me checking in with my pyramid and my exercise next week.  I really can't wait to see where this takes me.  : )

Monday, November 22, 2010

Fancy

So I'm kind of starting at the beginning with this weight loss thing.  I realized that in January I'll go to the doctor for my annual appointment and she'll weigh me, and as it is right now I'll have gained nearly ten pounds this year while I was apparently trying to lose fifty.  I'm not really sure what happened along the way, but I think it was likely in the planning stages.  So I'm going to try again in the hopes I can at least break even with last year's weight by my birthday in early January.  I'm doing all the research again - what to eat, how much to eat, when to eat, how to exercise, when to exercise, etc.  I'm gathering up all the knowledge I can so when I do this again I do it right and for good.  I want to be a strong, confident, healthy woman and I have the power to make that happen, with the right choices.

Here's a neat little tool I've found helpful that gives you a personal food pyramid:
Mayo Clinic Food Pyramid

I think sometimes we get so hung up on seeing what the "experts" say about which foods we should eat and how we should structure our weight loss plans.  I think it's important to first consult sources of information on our health and base our plans upon becoming healthier all around, versus just thinner or some vague idea of "active". 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Wasted Month

I wasted the past month on the couch, constantly eating, and making feeble attempts at working out.  But I'm slowly getting my head into the right place to attack this problem again.  I've had to make some decisions lately about where my life is going next year, and I have a plan.  Even though I'll be spending a year at home, something I thought I would hate to do, I'm accepting it as an opportunity to become a healthier me, and not just physically.  I expect I'll be growing more as an adult until I leave for grad school, and I'd like to get myself financially figured out.  I'll be making my health a top priority, since I will have a year without school to give me time to focus. 

Later today, I'm going to sit down and create a new fitness plan that I'll be starting on after Thanksgiving.  This plan is going to help me figure out what works for me in terms of becoming healthy and fit, and I'm leaving plenty of room for mistakes.  I'm starting now in the hopes that I will give myself some time to stumble around and find my favorite activities, foods, etc.  The goal here isn't necessarily weight loss, but to find that fit, healthy, happy person buried inside me.  However, I do expect to lose weight, and I'm going to report weigh-ins again to make sure I'm losing.  I'm not setting a pounds lost per week goal as I need a little flexibility in my continuing education about how to live a healthy lifestyle.  Once I've graduated and moved back home, I hope to be the master of how to be healthy, haha.  Then I will tweak my fitness plan to adjust to what I've learned since Thanksgiving and will kick ass for the next year.  Then I plan on finding ways to adjust my new healthy lifestyle to the stresses of being in grad school and in a different country.  I'm looking long-term now, instead of short term.  Although once I have my fitness plan set out, I will likely intersperse some short-term goals as well. 

For now, here's some pages I'm finding helpful right now, and that you might as well:

Target Heart Rate Calculator (to help create a beneficial fitness plan)


5 Elements of a Rounded Fitness Routine  (to make sure we're getting all the benefits we can)


7 Benefits of Regular Activity  (for when we're down about weight loss, we can remind ourselves of what other good we're doing to our bodies)

4 Low-Cost Ways to Shape Up (because the economy still sucks)


Until next time,

Erika

Monday, October 18, 2010

What's out there?

I'm tired of people asking me what I want to do with my life.  Here's the answer.


At the age of twenty-one, I have acquired enough familiarity with the “big picture” to understand that in my senior year of college I am standing in a unique position. Here I am, a new and freshly molded mind about to be thrown out into the “real world” of work and loan payments, like a toddler stripped of her water wings and tossed into a pool. I understand that my next movements and actions, whether I panic and splutter or float on top of the roiling water, will define my adulthood. Am I ready? Have I learned enough? What will I do? People who love me stand close, holding their breath, waiting to see if I need rescuing.

Well, grandparents and loved ones, you can feel comfortable backing away now. I have listened to Socrates' advice and have examined my life. I was born into this strange world a fat little baby with huge blue eyes and white-blond hair (actually, a little angelic if I do say so myself). Looking at pictures of my baby self, I see my big, new eyes opening wide to drink up the world around me, trying to see and learn and know everything and meet everyone. I grew up, that same curiosity still coursing through my mind, but I grew up caged by circumstance. Gloriously foreign sounds and images filtered in, taunting me, and I have spent much of my life with eye and ear pressed hard against the pinhole of my mid-western, low-income, broken-family existence wondering, what's out there? For a long time, my passion for the world around me was stifled by the weight of knowledge I acquired too soon and too quickly: that people are liars, that promises are more often than not broken, that love is conditional, that when my family falls apart again I am the one that must stand up and try to piece us back together because (as my grandparents are fond of telling me) I am the only one with my head screwed on straight; that the world I had once so desperately wanted to meet is mostly full of anguish, injustice, and hollow dreams for lives that may not, on occasion, be worth living. I housed this sage disappointment in my young soul for years, and it ate away at me until all I could do was try to close my eyes and mind as often as possible to escape for one brief, precious moment. And while I had my eyes closed, my mother got pregnant.

My brother was born when I was sixteen, and he changed my life. He was an adorable, melon-headed, blue-eyed monster. He made me laugh and smile at a time when I found those expressions nearly impossible, but he also meant that while my classmates were kissing each other and going to dances and crashing their parents' cars, I was at home feeding him and playing with him and getting up in the middle of the night to change his diapers because my disabled mother couldn't even pick him up. I was trapped in a terrifying maze of emotions, caught between my brother and my family, my brother and my friends, and my friends and myself. This would continue for the next two years until I was kicked out for refusing to be my brother's mother, but the summer after he was born I had endured all that I could. I broke down violently, and in an effort to get as far away from my life as quickly as possible I signed up for a wilderness trip in Canada that seemed insane – ten days of canoeing through extensive lake and river networks and camping in nearly virgin forests with absolutely zero modern conveniences. We paddled for four or five hours a day, carried our stuff and our canoes through dozens of poorly defined trails, and ate freeze-dried food we had to keep hidden from bears. Our watches were even confiscated. I came home happily sore, sunburned, and alive. Watching the sun dip behind peaceful lakes and miles of teeming forest, trying to count each prick of light in the explosion of stars above my sleeping bag, drinking clean water straight from the lakes, forcefully extending the limits of my physical and emotional strength, and completing what was an equally thrilling and infuriating journey resuscitated my passion for the world beyond my barren Indiana backyard.

Other trips followed rapidly, thanks to the generosity of my family and friends: two weeks in Spain, a week in Puerto Rico, a semester in the UK (including excursions to Wales, Scotland, and Amsterdam), and the beginning of a summer in Mexico. As I traveled, I learned I was not wrong when I felt the world was full of suffering. This life can be cruel and we often damage each other past the point of repair. But I also learned that the world is brimming with stunning, raw beauty and expansive, exhilarating, permeating love, that our small planet is home to abundant opportunities to explore, discover and learn about other cultures, and that we have myriad chances to meet other people and thereby come to know the strange and fantastic world around us.

So now as I look around and see my university peers carefully taking notes on lined paper, precisely laying down their plans for life, and diligently looking forward, I acknowledge that I have a choice. I choose to go a different route. When we are all thrown into the pool of the “real world” to sink or swim, I know I will do just fine. I choose to open my eyes wide, look around me, and go in whatever direction seems like the best way to learn something new or meet someone amazing. I choose to make my life an exploration and an adventure. I choose to throw away limitations, to go, and to see what's really out there.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Stolen meme!

I stole this from Nicole. I just wanted to do it because I'm in class, and I'm bored, and it's kind of cute.  A few of these don't apply to my boyfriend and I, though.  I don't have any pictures of us on this computer either. But here we go!



1. When is your "engagement" anniversary?
We aren't engaged.

2. When is your "marriage" anniversary?
We aren't married either, haha.

3. How long have you known your spouse?
Well he's not my spouse, but about four years.  

4. How long did you date before you were engaged?
Again, we aren't engaged, but we've been together 3.5 years :)

5. Where did you meet your spouse for the first time?
Psychology class, first semester of my senior year of high school.

6. What is your spouses full name?
Andrew Blah Blah

7. Do you have any children?
No.  Never.  Ew, babies.

8. How many? Boys/Girls
None!  Ever!

9. Do you have any house pets?
I used to have a cat named Patrick, but now he lives with Andrew's parents.
Pet deposits are expensive.  :(

10. Do you own a house or rent?
We rent an apartment together.

11. Do you live in the country/town/city?
We live in a college town.  So, a small city.

12. What is one of your favorite activities to do together?
Watching the TV show Firefly.  Or cooking.  
I like it when we cook together, anyway.  : )

13. Do you have a favorite vacation spot?
I think I'd have to say Puerto Rico.  ;)

14. When did you first kiss?
March 25th, the night we got together.  It was midnight,
so he let me pick what day I wanted our relationship to start on.

15. What church do you attend?
We're atheists.

16. Is this the church you were married in?
N/A!

17. What town is current address at?
The biggest college town in Indiana. 

18. Do you work or stay home?
We both work.  I make sandwiches, and he runs subjects in a psychology lab.
Guess who gets the better pay.

19. Where did you go on your honeymoon?
We're not married, but if we were to take a trip together 
it would be to Amsterdam.
20. What was the funniest gift one of you gave while dating?
He bought me a power toothbrush once for my birthday,
cause I think they're supercool.

21. How long have you been together?
3.5 years and looking forward to more. : )

22. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
About a semester and a half.

23. Who asked who out?
So here's the story.  He would often come over to my house after school to
hang out and watch Firefly.  I drove him home one night and mentioned that
my best friend at the time had asked if we were dating.  I said, "I don't think we are.  Are we?"  He said, "No, we aren't.  Do you want to?"  I said yes, and here we 
are 3.5 years later.  : )

24. How old are each of you?
I'm 21 and he's 20.  

25. Where do each of you go to school?
We both go to Indiana University.

26. Which situation is hardest on you as a couple?
Right now, my impending move to England for grad school. :/

27. Did you go to the same school?
We went to the same high school.  I went to a different university
my first year and a half, but now we're at the same place.

28. Are you from the same town?
Yes and no.  We grew up in the same town, but right before we met
I moved to the next town over, but stayed in the same school.

29. Who is smarter?
I think it depends on the day and activity, hahah.

30. Who is more sensitive?
Neither of us are very "sensitive", I don't think.  We're both pretty 
rational people.

31. Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Probably this Greek restaurant called Trojan Horse.
They have baklava ice cream.  Why would we eat
anywhere else?  Hahah 

32. Where is the farthest you two have traveled as a couple?
Puerto Rico.

33. Who has the craziest exes?
Neither of us have exes.

34. Who has the worse temper?
Depends.  Andrew can get really angry about little things
and then get over it pretty easily,
but when things escalate to the point where I get angry,
it's likely to boil up for days.

35. Who does the cooking?
Mostly me, but I make him chop things.  :)

36. Who is more social?
Definitely Andrew in unfamiliar situations (I'm a classic introvert),
but I'm very social around friends we know well.

37. Who is the neat-freak?
Andrew is, and always will be.  He's been 
glaring at my huge laundry pile for weeks now, haha. 

38. Who is more stubborn?
That would have to be me.  He's 
alot more flexible than I am.

39. Who hogs the bed?
Me.  Oops.

40. Who wakes up earlier?
Usually me, because I often have to be at work by 7am.

41. Where was your first date?
We never had a "first date", although I remember
the first time we hung out that I really wanted
to hold his hand - we were watching movies in 
his bedroom.  Driving home that night I slid on ice 
and ended up in someone's front yard.

42. Who had more boyfriends/girlfriends?
Neither. We're each other's firsts.  : )

43. Do you get flowers often?
I'm really not a flowers kind of girl.
Books or free dinner, however...

44. How do you spend the holidays?
Driving back and forth between our towns and families.

45. Who is more jealous?
He's more overtly jealous.  I keep my jealousy well-hidden, usually.
But we're really not jealous people.

46. How long did it take to get serious?
He first told me he loved me two weeks after
we got together.  I guess he knew a good
thing when he saw it.  : )

47. Who eats more?
Hahaha, this is a tie, for sure.

48. Who does the laundry?
Me, because he does the dishes after I messily make dinner.
 
49. Who is better with the computer?
He is.  If I didn't have him, my computer
would never run properly.

50. Leave a piece of advice for other couples.
Talk honestly and openly just as much about things
that bother you as things you like. Communication
really is key.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

coughcoughcough

As expected, my cold turned into a full-blown illness.  I don't get sick very often, but when I do it really kicks my ass.  I'm pretty sure I have bronchitis now, so I'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow and see what he can do about it.  Although I sound like death, I am actually feeling better than I was earlier this week.  I was out of work and class this past Tuesday and Wednesday, and today is really the first day I've felt well enough to get up, move around, and accomplish things.

As far as eating goes, I haven't been doing very much of it this past week, which is probably why I lost 1.5 pounds and currently weigh 211.  Although I expect an upswing in my appetite as I start to feel better, I am concentrating on a preemptive strike, if you will.  Although I did not journal my food servings last week because I was sick, I would like to give that another shot this week.  I went grocery shopping today, and did not let myself buy anything I knew I would eat excessive amounts of (like ice cream).  Although the reason for my weight loss this week wasn't hard work, that doesn't make the changes I'm already feeling in my body any less motivating.  I can already feel my hips thinning again and I've been imagining what I'll look like after I lose even five more pounds.  Although losing weight is a priority for me, I feel like it's wrapped up in a complicated emotional web that I need to untangle.  I've been thinking about seeing a psychologist (students get two free visits a year at our campus health center) for some lingering issues, and I think my mental health should really be the top priority here.  And I find that if I incorporate health changes slowly, they're easier to stick to.  I'm not making plans or schedules or timetables for my weight loss anymore.  I want to let it happen naturally while I'm enjoying my life, and because embarking on a healthier lifestyle will improve my life, my efforts to be healthier are really making me happy now instead of dragging me down with worry and self-doubt about whether or not I'll ever lose X amount of pounds. 

All that being said, I'm planning on going to Zumba again tomorrow night.  I'm also hoping that another girl in my dance class and I can do a duet at this fall's recital (sorry if I mentioned that before...), so in addition to my normal dance classes I will probably be doing extra practices.  I would love to bring yoga back into my life again, and I think I might try doing twenty minutes of yoga on the mornings I don't have to work this week. 

Of course, this all depends on whether or not my cough starts going away and I really get to feeling better again, but I'm optimistic.  And if it doesn't happen this week, that's okay - as long as I gave it some amount of effort, I know it's okay to let my goals slide to next week.  It's a life change, not a race.  I always hated races anyway.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Bleh.

I'm sick with a bad cold, and it is not fun.

As for last week, I think I did better overall.  I've been weighing myself everyday, and the lowest number I've seen in the morning is 212.5, which at least means I'm losing, albeit slowly.  I'm okay with slowly, though.  I feel like the changes I'm making again (more exercise, less food) are sticking because I'm changing things at a snail's pace.  Being sick is throwing me off a little, and I'm afraid this week might go to hell because of it, but I'm going to try to continue on with healthy eating and as much exercise as I have energy for. 

Last week, I worked out three days - Monday (Zumba), and Tuesday and Thursday (Bellydance).  That gives me three workouts for the week, which is not bad at all.  I ate well Sunday - Wednesday, but Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and his past tSunday were more on the bad side.  I think I only did one new recipe this week instead of three.  My evenings are quickly filling up with homework and, when I can, workouts, but I'm going to try for three healthy dinners made at home this week.  Next week, maybe I can try four.

New this week, I'm also going to start tracking food again, but I won't be tracking calories.  Instead, I'm going to track number of servings because thinking of tracking calories again is honestly exhausting.  Eventually, I would give up on counting calories and then have little idea of how to eat properly, so I'm hoping that tracking number of servings will work better for the long-term.  Cell phone pictures may facilitate this. 

Now, my report on Zumba:

I liked it.  There was definitely a silly factor going on there that I had to get over, but the music is music I like and the class went by super fast - it was 45 minutes and I felt like it was only 20.  I would go again today, but I'm not feeling well and would rather nap and drink orange juice, so I think I'm going to do that instead.  Overall, I think Zumba is definitely worth trying out.  You just have to embrace how ridiculous you look and have fun with it.  : )


No schedule this week because I haven't looked up any new recipes and I'm feeling too bad at the moment to really care, haha.  I do need to go shopping for fruit and start using my lovely Foodsaver more often, I've been tossing out a lot of bad food lately that could have been saved. 

Alas, I must go blow my nose.  Adios for now.  : )

Monday, September 13, 2010

Review of Last Week

Hi friends!

Well, it's Monday again, and I have spent all day so far wishing I could go back to bed.  Opening at 7 am on a Monday morning is really the worst.  The payoff, however, is half-price martini nights on Thursdays with a bunch of friends at a beautiful restaurant.  Mmm, martinis...

So, now that I have internet in my hands again, I wanted to come back and evaluate how well I stuck to last week's schedule.    My grade: D 

I'm giving myself a D and not an F because I did actually try three out of the five recipes I had on the schedule - everything but the Spicy Beef and Friday night's delicious-sounding pork loin thing.  I worked out on Monday, but didn't work out again last week, not even yesterday which is technically in this week.  So a definite F for the exercise, and a C for healthy eating.  I unfortunately chose to eat ridiculous amounts of ice cream last week (three nights of the week), as well as candy bars (Aunt Flo's in town).  I've been shoveling down lots of cheese and donuts at work.  I think I gravitate toward these things at work because they smell/taste awesome and I'm usually feeling very stressed.  I need to find a better way of relieving my work stress than cheese and donuts. 

As far as the exercise goes, I haven't been going because I love to be at home with my boyfriend.  I know it sounds sappy and awful, but I look forward to coming home and being able to spend decent time with him doing whatever we want (usually watching Netflix until we're too tired to stay awake).  Anything that takes away from my time with him in the evenings is something I don't want to do.  He's going to have a busy, bad semester and I want as much of his spare attention as I can get, haha.  Really though, I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and get over it - he's always gonna be there, and so is my fat if I don't leave him for an hour a night to get rid of it. 

I've been thinking lately about reasons why I can't seem to keep on track or on top of my plan, reasons why I can't seem to eat healthy and workout for more than a month before it all goes to shit.  I've been having some moments of depression lately, the kind of depression I haven't had to handle in a long time.  I think it stems mostly from on one level wanting to be healthy and fit while on another level believing that I can't achieve those goals, that those things are meant for other people.  I get depressed because I want to be healthy, but then when I falter in my workouts or my eating, I think "Why am I doing this?  It's pointless".  And then I get more depressed by thinking that I have to resign myself to this overweight, slow, unhealthy body and the depressed mind that goes with it.

I've always been put in the "big-boned" category and had incredibly visual reminders of my place - I am 5' 8", currently 214 pounds, with blonde hair, big eyes, big boobs, big hips, big everything.  My sister is just about 5 foot even, weighs 100 pounds when she's been eating too much McDonald's, and if I were to make a circle with my hands her thigh would easily fit inside of it.  I take after my father's side of the family - tall, large, blonde.  My sister takes after my mom's side - short, thin, bone-y.  I didn't grow up with my dad's side of the family.  Actually, I've never met most of my relatives on his side.  I grew up with my mom's side, the side that doesn't look like me at all.  I think that feeling of being out of place, of not belonging, follows me around just about everywhere, but especially in the gym or on the scale.  As long as I ignore that feeling I can be successful with this - I don't struggle as hard to achieve a healthier diet or regular workouts.  But as soon as I slip up, the second I eat a donut or skip a dance class, I feel like I'm an idiot for working so hard to achieve what was never meant to be mine - a strong, fit body and a healthy diet. And then I get depressed.  And then I start weighing 214. 

I think instead of ignoring that feeling, I need to confront and eradicate it so it doesn't come back.  Maybe I should treat it like cancer - identify it, construct a treatment plan, and then vigorously attack it until it gets the hint and goes the hell away.  I have always wanted and fought for complete control of myself, my life, and my time.  Nothing means more to me than that control, and I've been thinking for a long time that my health problems were outside my control, that they were something I'd have to accept and let someone else tell me how to handle them.  But my weight and my diet are under my control.  They're probably the most basic things I can control, so why am I not controlling them?  I have to tell myself that I can, and I will.  And once I reclaim power over my weight from childhood feelings, depression, and adult uncertainty, I think I will be able to do this.  I think I deserve it, after all.

This week, I'm going to use the same schedule (with this week's dinners added). 



Bellydance classes start again this week and I am seriously excited.  I love bellydance - I honestly think I'd be even more depressed if I didn't have such a wonderful activity to look forward to.  I'm good at it, it makes me feel beautiful and sexy, and the other girls in class are pretty awesome too.  I even found a good bellydance instructor in Newcastle, where I'm hoping to go for grad school!  Bellydance is definitely something to smile about.  : )

Well, I should probably go to class.  Adios for now.  : )

Monday, September 6, 2010

Getting back on track

Holaaaaaaaa!

So school has started, and my classes should be interesting.  I'm taking a Bioanth lab (which is gonna be haaaaard), another Maya class, The Latin American Experience pt. I, Intro to Museum Studies, and Survey of Hip Hop.  I'm definitely not going to be as busy this semester as I was last semester, which makes me happy like a fool.  I actually have time to work out now!  Woo!

Speaking of working out, since I had nothing better to do last night, I drew up a workout schedule and planned out dinners for this week.  I went grocery shopping at like 10pm last night, but my boyfriend is uberlucky, I picked out some great stuff.  I left a couple nights open for us to eat up our leftovers or go out together, and gave myself the option of resting on Sundays from exercise. Here's my schedule:

I'm hoping that was inserted right.  Anyway.  Dance classes don't actually start until next week, but I'm planning to use this schedule for the rest of the month.  I lost two pounds last month and earned two dollars.  This month, I'm hoping to lose four pounds so I can earn five dollars for grad school.  My gym at school offers Zumba classes, which I've never tried but have a feeling I'd love, so I went ahead and wrote those down for the week.  I'm gonna try it out tonight, and I'll let you know how it goes. Any Zumba-experienced readers out there that wanna share their Zumba love/hate with me?  Well, now that I have internet again because I bought a shiny new netbook, I'm sure you'll see pictures of this week's recipes (which all sounds fantastic, I've never been so excited to cook, haha).

My apologies for a rambly post - gotta get to class.  Adios!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

No, I have not died

Hey friends!  I'm sorry that it's been over a month (yikes!) since I last posted, but as I have no money to fix my computer and no parking pass with which to park on campus...my internet access is about as bad as it's ever been.  So, let's get down to what you all really want to know, since I only have a couple minutes.

Have I been eating well?  Nope. 
Have I lost weight? Nope.
Have I gained weight?  Yes.  I've gained back all the weight I lost last semester, and then some.  A couple weeks ago I weighed 215.  Uberyikes. 
Have I been exercising?  Obviously not.
Am I tired of all of the above?  Hell yes.

I'm not sure what happened, but about a week ago something clicked (again) in my head, perhaps a vision of myself in a pretty bellydance costume doing a solo at our fall recital (I hope!).  Now that my boyfriend and I have moved and the apartment is pretty much put together and I'm pretty much settled in, it's game time.  I eat very well at home - lots of lean meat, fruit, and veggies.  My one downfall is, again, my job.  I tried to get a different job at an archaeology lab over the summer, but they didn't want me.  So now, I have no excuse for eating at work because it's the only job I can get right now and the only one to blame for my bad eating habits is me.  Although I was eating 1, 2, 3 donuts a day for awhile there (no wonder I weighed 215...), I have recently sworn off the baked goods case.  I've started bringing my breakfast with me (usually instant oatmeal), or I choose fruit/granola/milk for breakfast at work.  Lunch is a veggie-laden sammich, which I have no problem eating because they are so freakin' tasty.  Seriously, I'll have to get a picture when I can.  As always, cheese is gonna be the problem, but I did really well yesterday trying not to eat too much and I think I can see the big picture better now.  The cheesey goodness just isn't worth it.  

Getting back on the horse has been pretty easy this time.  I know what works for me, I know what I need to do, and I actually want to do it.  I'm tried of hauling around all this extra fat, and I have a really fantastic incentive to lose the weight.  I recently decided I want to go to grad school in the UK (Master of Museum Practice at Newcastle University, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne).  Although I was already planning to take a year off to save money, I got my grandma to get in on the deal and help me out.  She's going to pay me a dollar for every pound I lose.  After 5 pounds, the rate goes up to 2 dollars a pound.  After 10 pounds, three dollars a pound, and so on until I reach a happy weight and a happy savings account balance.  Since not having to put myself into so much debt by avoiding as many loans as possible means WAY more to me than cookies or donuts, it's so far been pretty easy to stay on track. As far as exercise is concerned, I'm not doing any jogging or anything like that until I get my knee looked at, because it's been really hurting lately.  I do want to get back into bellydance shape for fall classes and that elusive solo, and I figured the best way to develop those muscles is by actually bellydancing, haha.   Bellydancing is great exercise - I've honestly never gotten so sweaty doing anything else.  I've been bellydancing at least half an hour almost every day for the past week, and I've already lost two pounds.  This morning, I was at 213 - you owe me two bucks, Mimi!

Well lovies, I gotta get my butt back to work, but I'm loving your blogs lately!  I've lost a reader, but I'm not surprised.  I only hope the rest of you will stick with me and watch as I actually accomplish some goals instead of just dreaming about accomplishing them. 

Adios!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

What a month.

So far, June has been a little bit ridiculous.  I came back from Mexico, started my job up again (but in a different, much more boring location), and started my second summer class (Intro to Fiction - should be interesting, but I am not looking forward to all the writing).  I would love to put up some pictures from Mexico for you guys to see, but while I was gone, my computer more or less committed suicide.  Some hardware is broken and my computer isn't picking up internet networks, so I can't use my computer for the interbutts.  As I live decently off campus, internet time is going to be way limited to the little I can do at work and whenever I get my butt off my couch and into the library.

That being said, let's get back to foooood!

I ate really well in Mexico.  Delicious food, but also healthy - traditional Mexican food is about as healthy as any dietitian would recommend, honestly.  I also read In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan, and I have to say that the book changed my outlook on this whole healthiness journey thing.  I  highly recommend that you guys read this book (and watch Food, Inc.).  His advice in the book boils down to what the banner on the front cover says: "Eat food.  Not too much.  Mostly plants".  I also read Garbage Land: On The Secret Trail of Trash, which has enlightened me on the subject of trash and why I should produce less of it.  Those two books combined have me craving the farmer's market, fresh foods, real foods, and an attitude toward food that lets me enjoy it. 

Although I did start this blog to help me lose weight (a goal which I think is still feasible), I have to be honest and say that I was getting pretty sick of the calorie-counting and the overthinking about which nutrients I was getting and ways to get better nutrition for fewer calories, etc.  I've never been good at math, and all that work was exhausting.  Michael Pollan's book made me realize that it's okay to enjoy food for what is it - tasty, greasy, fatty, whatever - while not worrying about what it may do to my waistline.   I know that I always eat better when I'm exercising regularly, so I think I will be putting this blog toward a new focus: a focus on exercise (and fun exercise), and cooking.  I've noticied a correlation between eating out and feeling fat (duh), so I really need to not do that anymore.  My boyfriend and I (since he's living with me and my roomates at the moment) keep saying that we need to quit eating out and start cooking at home more, and I have to say that we've been doing a pretty good job.  So, I think I will try and take pictures of the tasty meals we cook at home (sure to be full of veggies and good things, since we like to eat real food) and blog more about how I'm exercising and less about how many calories I'm eating.  I'm hoping to start using my overeating workbook I won from Alexia starting tomorrow, and I think I should be able to work through it before the summer is out. 

I'm happy to find all of you guys still blogging away - I've missed reading about what's going on in your lives!  I won't be able to comment often, but I'm definitely reading when I can.  And when I get my computer back, I'll be able to blog like normal.  Yay!  : )

Hasta luego!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

¡Hola de México!

Hola, amigos!  I´m here in México, having a splendid time.  I´ve had some delicious food, some incredible experiences learning about Mexican culture and history, and have tried some of the most delicious fresh cheese!  Hahaha.  I hope you are all doing well out there in the blogosphere.  This is my first visit to an internet café, so I won´t be able to read your blogs much.  So far I have eaten pretty healthy stuff - we have had fresh fruit, granola, and yogurt for breakfast each day so far.  Delicious.  I´ve tried papaya, guayava, and pitaya.  I only liked pitaya, the others have a weird taste for me.  But yeah, I only have an hour on the computadora, so I better say adios.  :) 

Monday, May 17, 2010

Adios!

Hey guys!  I know it's been a long ass time since I blogged.  Here's a recap of my week at home:  driving, eating terribly, not exercising, not riding a bike as it was mostly cold and rainy, but still hanging out with a bunch of people I love.

I'm now getting ready to get my butt to the airport so I can go to MEXICO.  I'm so excited!  I'll be back in three weeks, and there will surely be a ton of pictures.  :)


Hasta luego!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Um...what?

Wow.  Spring semester has flown by.  Between my 300/400-level classes, 20 hrs of work a week, bellydance classes, homework, and trying to eat well, the months have sped past me without me noticing them at all.  I'm currently at the end of the semester, and still wondering what's coming next, what do I have to do today, tomorrow, this weekend.  What work is there to do?  I just can't relax. 

Things have finally wound down enough to where I can do a little blogging again.  Yay!  I've missed this.  My boyfriend and I were just talking last night about how badly we've been eating lately - pizza and ice cream one night, hot dogs, banana pudding my roommate made...it's just bad.  But now that I can focus my energy on things not school, I'm dying to pick up some healthy eating habits again. Just last night I turned down Andrew's offer of Chinese food so we could go to a healthy, organic restaurant downtown called Laughing Planet.  Today I had to work pretty early, and work always screws with me - I had a donut and a ton of cheese - but my lunch sandwich was full of veggies and I ate it with a little pineapple cup.   Also had a bowl of Frosted Flakes this morning.  Not the best, but at least I ate breakfast.  So now I'm just trying to get through my finals, sort out some loose ends for classes, and then I'm going home for a week!  Yay!  I plan on riding a bike every day.  I love bike riding when it's nice out.  I don't do it here much A) Because our city is really hilly and I just don't have the muscles to climb those hills all day long and B) My bike tires are flat.  I have to take it to a gas station sometime to put air in them...but I don't think that's gonna happen soon.  :P

I know I've been really absent trying to finish up school, but I'm about to be super absent again - I'm going to Mexico!  I leave for my trip on the 17th, so for 3 weeks I won't be around.  I'll be sure to take pictures of my Mexican diet though!  Hoping to eat some tasty fruits/veggies I haven't had before.  :D


Well, I need to hop on some studying here.  Just thought I'd say hi!  I hope everybody is having a good week so far!

Monday, April 26, 2010

jafdkls;jfks

Just a quick post to let you all know I'm not dead.

School is killing me. Work is killing my back.  Lack of exercise/terrible food is killing my scale.

I'm quite sure I've gained back to 208, if not heavier.  I can't ever get enough sleep, so I'm always tired, so I always eat sugary/carby things because my body needs the energy.  Vicious cycle, if you ask me.

Also, I could get so much more homework done if I never had to sleep.  Or eat, for that matter. Sigh, evolution, adapt me to my lifestyle already!

Check ya later, kids.  Loving your blogs lately.  <3

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Let's talk about motivation, shall we?

What a nasty word, motivation.  It sticks with you, making you feel comfortable and happy, and then one day another beginner passes by and it runs off to be with them, leaving you to trudge back to that bastard pint of ice cream.

Motivation (motivate:  to provide with a motive or motives; incite; impel) is important when you're trying to lose weight.  If you can get into a routine and stick with it, that's great - perhaps motivation isn't as much of a factor for you.  But when life more or less punches you in the face, what do you need to get started again?  You need motivation.  So, how do you get motivation to be faithful to you and stick around for those times when you need it most?  Surround yourself with it. 

As far as my efforts are concerned, I sometimes feel like I'm living two lives here.  The one where I spout all this talk about how I'm getting started again, about how I'm going to lose weight for real this time, about how my life will be different and I will not be afraid to be myself for fear of being ridiculed for the weight that does not define who I am.  And then there's my second life, the one that kicks in when I step away from my blog and eat pints of ice cream, blocks of cheese, and sit on my ass all day watching Youtube videos instead of exercising.  For me, the thing that's preventing me from reconciling these two lives, the one in which I succeed and the one in which I keep myself from changing, is a great big motivation-shaped hole.  It's almost the end of a rough semester.  I have a lot to do.  I'm tired.  The last thing I want to do is go to the gym, or go outside and jog, or make my kitchen even hotter by cooking when it's already nearly eighty degrees outside and when one roommate refuses to do any dishes.  All I want to do is nothing.  Although the weather is gorgeous, summer is usually the time of the year when I spend the most time being sedentary.  Why?  Because I hate hot weather.  It makes me sweaty and uncomfortable, and I feel five times as fat for every five degree rise in the temperature. 

But if I have a talent for anything, it's for finding the good in what seems to be nothing but bad.  Yeah, summer sucks for me because I'm overweight, can't wear any cool clothes because I don't like the way my arms, legs, feet, whatever look in them, and want to do nothing but sit in front of a hurricane fan with my feet in an ice bath.  However, I can turn this around.  I have that power.  I can choose to look at this summer as torture, or as motivation.  What better motivation is there, after all, than to imagine a summer where I can actually wear real shorts?  When I want to go outside because I want to swim and play volleyball and go jogging on the beach?  How amazing would that feel?

That thought alone is becoming enough to incite me to action.  Back in January, when I started this, it seemed so far away.  But now it's reality, and I will be surrounding myself with motivation. 

To begin with, I got the workbook I won in Alexia's giveaway!  It came in the mail on Monday.  So far, I've learned that I fit more into the category of a compulsive overeater (totally agree with that one), that I think about food incorrectly, that I need to spend time listening to my body, that I need to focus more on giving myself the correct nutrition than an arbitrary number of calories, that I am considered obese, that I am at an increased risk for obesity-related diseases and problems, along with a whole lot of other information about nutrition that I was thrilled to learn.  A lot of people out there have Weight Watchers or a similar program to help them redefine their relationship with food and exercise, but before now I was trying to go it alone, more or less.  I am so happy I got this workbook - this is really the exact tool that I needed, and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time.  The next section deals with meal planning and focusing on major components of nutrition that you should eat every day, and I can't wait to get started with it. 

Other things I'm going to be doing to motivate myself is to create a homework/work/exercise schedule for the rest of the semester.  I really need to plot out days to do homework so that I can exercise, and I feel like sticking to my schedule might be difficult but I'm going to do it.  (Do or do not, there is no try).  Not only will this get me back into the swing of things a little, but it will make sure I get my homework done, too.  :P  I'm also going to change the background on my phone that I see a million times a day to one of those photos I took at the very beginning in my sports bra and workout pants.  That image smashed against my stubborn brain will at least keep my goals present in mind, since I have a habit of letting them slip away during the daytime. 

If motivation won't come back to me, then I will have to drag it kicking and screaming to the gym with me.  Expect a lot more success in the future.  (By the way, I've already started - on Monday I went out and jogged intervals.  I'm not just blowing wind here). 

Well.  I need to go to bed, haha.  Good night, friends!  <3