Jamie Oliver Can Revolutionize Me Any Day

Seriously.  Yum.

Anyway.  I was really interested in watching this show when I saw the first previews for it during one of the few minutes I actually sit and watch TV.  Being a huge fan of the Food Network and all things delicious, I of course know who Jamie Oliver is.  What I didn't know was that he helped reform school lunches in Great Britain and is currently trying to do the same thing in America.  Being a product of the American school lunch, I have to say that I find his efforts admirable and I'm sad that nobody tried doing this sooner.  Maybe it really just takes a cute man with a badass accent to do the job.  :P

I remember my elementary school lunches.  It was the same kind of second-rate pizza at least twice a week (I remember a few times mine having plastic stuck in it...), the same chicken nuggets the kids eat in Jamie's show, the same flavored milk (I always loved Strawberry).  I remember that I used to make jokes about the Mac 'n Cheese, calling it Mac 'n Glue because I could stick my plastic fork into it and turn it upside down and nothing would drip out.  I ate nachos on a regular basis, and the closest I ever got to fruit were these triangle-shaped frozen fruit popsicle things wrapped in paper.  Combined this with my mom's out-of-box cooking (no offense, Mama!) and I was pretty much doomed.  I was always a heavy kid - I have pictures to prove it - and insisted I was "big boned" when compared with my very thin and light little sister (and pretty much my whole mom's side of the family).  I think a lot of my self esteem problems stemmed from this blatant difference between me and my sister, and it took me a long time to accept myself.  Unfortunately, when I accepted myself as I was I also accepted my bad eating habits.  Fast forward about seven years, and here I am, almost obese (according to the BMI chart), still in an unhealthy relationship with food, and still unable to change my habits, to which my recent weight gains will attest.

Me and my sister during my senior year of high school. 

By the way, I weighed myself.  204.5.  Very not good.

I wish I had been taught proper eating as a child.  I wish I had learned to appreciate fresh fruit and vegetables when I was 10 instead of 21.  But I'm a smart cookie, and I'm not too old yet - still young enough to change my ways. :P

I think I need to go back to the basics here.  I can exercise my ass off, but my eating is what is always going to come back and bite me.  I'm going to see how many meals a week I can cook for myself, versus eating out.  I like eating tasty things, and I want to learn how to make tasty things - what better time to start than now?  As per my boyfriend's advice, I also want to learn a bit more about metabolism.  I know eating smaller and more often is better, but I don't really know why.  What time of day should I eat?  I have questions, and I want to take some time to answer them.  Although I may not reach my goal of losing 50 pounds by Christmas Eve, if I can learn all these things about food and eating and then implement them in order to change my life...I still count that as a win.

Speaking of food, I've really been trying to eat organically as possible since I watched Food, Inc.  I've been avoiding high fructose corn syrup like the plague (and yeah, sure, it's fine in moderation, but it's hard to eat it in moderation when it's in literally everything that goes in my mouth).  I haven't had a pop, save for a sip here and there, for about two weeks now, even diet pop.  I've been reading ingredient labels (what the hell is maltodextrin?  Does anybody know?) and making every effort to buy organic food.  Unfortunately, eating well can be expensive, and I don't really have the money for it.  Does anybody out there have advice on what's worth spending the money on to get organic stuff?

In order to get my healthiness and weight loss back on track, I'm going to try and go back to posting every day here.  That really seemed to help keep me focus, and as my life gets busier toward the end of the semester, I'm going to need all the focus I can get.

Well, I need to go do dishes so I can cook myself dinner.  I'm thinking salmon and Gina's faked-mashed-potatoes cauliflower puree.  Yummy...

Oops.

Yeah...

Well, I know I haven't posted in about a week.  I'm sorry about that.  I've really been ignoring my health goals lately.  It hasn't been that I've had too much to do...I've just been ignoring my goals.  I've been ignoring myself, really.  I think part of the problem is that I just may not want this bad enough.  It's kind of on a back burner, after school.  I need the summer so I can have a little bit less to do and a little bit more energy to focus on health, but I know if I just put it off until summer that I will never get back on track.  Another part of the problem, in my opinion, is that I've become bored with my workouts.  I hate the idea of becoming a slave to the gym, and I should really think of more creative ways to get exercise for times when I don't have access to the gym, like the summers.  I get bored pretty quickly if I do the same thing over and over again, so I think I'm going to incorporate more dance practice into my weeks.  I need it because I've become rusty, and it's exercise that I love to do and that I know I will keep up with.  I have two choreographies to perfect for a semester-end recital, and I want to put a new one together over the summer in the hopes I will have a solo spot in Raks Party 2010 this fall.  The only obstacle to this is keeping my room clean...yikes!  I've been trying to clean my room bit by bit and so far it's taken me a week and I'm still not done!  I'm not kidding.  Ask my boyfriend. 

So I'm going to try and refocus my energies.  Apologies to those who follow me and have already heard this about five times (I told you never finish anything...).  Maybe I've been quitting more often than most people, but I really have no will to do things just for me - if it's something for somebody else, I can have it done in as little time as possible, but I have a really difficult time focusing on my own body and my own self sometimes.  I really miss my yoga class - that was awesome "me" time.  Maybe now that my room is clean I can roll out my yoga mat again.  At least I keep coming back to my plan and trying again.  If you don't succeed, try, try again, I guess. 

I've been trying to think of creative incentives to keep me exercising, and I think I've found one that might work.  Ten-pound goal rewards always seem so distant...I haven't even lost ten pounds yet!  : (  I saw a comment on one of Jack's posts, I think, where a woman was giving herself fifty cents for every workout so she could save up and buy something for herself.  Although my budget is quickly becoming tighter, I think I might start doing this too.  I'm going to empty out my piggy bank and start replacing the coins for every workout - I'm thinking 25 cents for every half hour, and when I get a good amount of cash saved up I'm going to buy myself a new swimsuit!  That's like double incentive, right?  :P  I really need a new swimsuit as mine from last year never looked great to being with and is starting to fall apart now.  I think I might keep track of how much is in my bank on the side of my blog as a reminder to myself to keep it up.

I just wanted to make a shoutout to a few people.  Firstly, my boyfriend's mom Terri for losing over ten pounds!  Yay!  She said that I was an inspiration for her, but sphff - now she's an inspiration for me.  Also, to my Uncle Richard, for reading this and giving me some really great weight-loss advice.  He too has always struggled with his weight, and his timely email today renewed my resolve to not only get this weight gone, but to consider the life-long changes I'm making.  Thanks to both of you guys.  : )

Also - Happy Belated Birthday, Alexia!  You rock my socks off, lady.  : )


And a huge thanks to all my readers who are sticking with me even though I'm not doing a great job here right now.  A couple of time I have thought about abandoning this blog and just giving up, but knowing that are people are expecting posts and progress of me is really helping me out.  I love this community, and I truly appreciate everybody who reads my ups and downs. 

Okay, well I've done a little dancing and now I'm going to keep going.  Adios!  <3

The Truth Hurts

Hey friends.  I know I haven't posted for a few days, and there's a reason for it.   I haven't been eating very well.  I haven't necessarily been binging, but I have been eating a lot of cookies and ice cream.  I have terrible cravings for chocolate and sweets this time of the month (I have a bad sweet tooth anyway, but the other three weeks of the month I can more or less avoid it; during Aunt Flo's visit, not at all) and I haven't been posting because I haven't wanted to keep track of it/have you guys know all the crap in my system.  But here I am, admitting it.  Yay progress.

There's been a lot of serious questions posed in the blogosphere the past couple of weeks.  Questions about why this time the weight will stay off, about how badly we want to lose weight, about motivation, etc.  Some of Jack's questions really stuck with me, so I thought shit, why not answer them?

Why do you suppose you let your life be less than you imagined it to be?
I don't really believe my life is less anything even though I'm overweight.  Yeah, I've got some fat hanging around, but it isn't anything that keeps me from doing the things I love to do.  It's not like I sit around and imagine myself walking around town, fifty pounds thinner and looking like a model, or that I believe happiness lies within this image.  I'm young.  I don't have a lot of past to regret, and I don't have any past that I ignore because I was fat.  Life is what you make it, and every day I make mine awesome by doing well in school, learning about things I find interesting, hanging around cool people, and teaching myself to be more trusting and more loving in order to overcome the things in my past that have affected me.


Why do you stumble so often despite all your good intentions?
This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.  So if I make goals and don't meet them, there are only two possible reasons.  Either A) My goals were unattainable or unrealistic, or B) I didn't really want to meet those goals anyway.  Here's some recent goals I've been evaluating:

• Do I want to lose 50 pounds?  Yes.  Absolutely.  
• Do I want to go to the gym five days a week?  Hell no.  There are plenty of other things I'd rather be doing than working out - hence why I never make it five days a week.  I say it's a goal because I should do it, but it's not something I want to do.  
• Do I want to burn 1,750 calories per week through exercise?  Yes.  I've done the math, and I know that when my eating slides, that activity will help me lose that fifty pounds.  I can spread these calories out however I like them, adjusting my activity for what I feel like doing that day.  I feel a lot more comfortable with this goal than the previous one because it's specific while still flexible.  
• Do I want to eat out less than twice a week?  Nope.  I love going out to eat.  The city where I'm living has so many great restaurants, I want to try them all.  And not just tasty places like Olive Garden - we have an entire street lined with ethnic restaurants.  Thai, Indian, Moroccan, Vietnamese, Japanese, French, Mexican, one of the best pizza places in the country...the options are limitless and I love trying new things.  
• Do I want to eat only 1300 calories a day?  ...Meh.  I don't really want to limit myself sometimes, but then other times I do.  I feel better when I eat less and eat healthy stuff.  But I can't deny my love of cookies.

Why are you going to make it this time when you’ve fallen short before?
Because I am.  Duh.  

But no, really.  This time I want it, and I'm taking it slow.  It's weight loss that's manageable, and most importantly, maintainable...if that's a word.  Everybody has their own pace.  Some people really can lose five pounds in a week.  I could bust my ass in the gym every single day and that would never happen for me.  I know I lose weight slowly, and in the past I never noticed a weight gain because I gain weight slowly too.  I'm tired of comparing myself to other people, and recently to other bloggers.  Most of the blogs I follow are by people who have lost 20, 30, 60 pounds.  I crave that success, but it's going to take me a long time.  I'm not going to judge myself for being slow about it - at least I'm doing it.  I hope you don't judge me either.  And if I'm too slow for you, then...tough shit!

Why are you here anyway?
 In the past, my efforts have always stayed in my own head.  I didn't tell people I was working out or eating right because I was afraid of what they'd say if I failed.  But making it public, more or less, this time around, it's helping me be accountable and reading all your stories keeps me motivated and inspired when I really need to be.  I've realized that there really isn't a "fail" option here, besides not trying at all.  We are all works in progress. 

Whether I lose 50 pounds by Christmas or fall short, it's all okay.  I'm still changing my habits.  I'm still changing my life.

Well.  Gotta go to class so I can live my awesome life.  Much love.  : )  

Wednesday Weigh-In #6

Helloooo!  Holaaaaa!

Well today I broke my no-eating-out rule again.  A friend came over to watch movies and we ordered pizzas.  Boo on me.  I ate a whole bunch, but at least it was thin crust...right? At the gym today I did 500 calories to try and make up for last night's popcorn binge, but I just wasted all my effort with that pizza.  I don't know why I get cocky after a week or so of eating well and think this weight is just going to melt off.  Maybe this is why I've been feeling too good for healthy food lately.


I currently weigh 200 pounds.  Yay me!  I have lost 8.5 pounds since starting in January.  I am behind schedule to lose 50 pounds by Christmas Eve, but I did fall off the horse for a good three weeks there and have to re-lose that weight (how frustrating...).  However, I really need to step it up again.  I'm so very close to my first goal of losing ten pounds, and so close to my massage!  I haven't weighed something less than 200 pounds in over a year.  This is so exciting! 

 I'm really gonna turn it out the rest of this spring break. I've been doing really well at the gym, I just need to keep myself busy so that I don't stray into the kitchen to eat everything in sight. 

But yay 200!  I think I'ma go chill and read or something.  You guys have a good night/day!  <3

Sunshine? Yes please!

Today was really a great day.  The weather was hands down my favorite weather - in the low sixties, sunny, light breeze.  If it gets any warmer than that I tend to melt (says the girl who wants to be an archaeologist in Mexico....real smart...).  So today I went out for a walk down to City Hall to register for an Introduction to Vegetable Gardening class, which ended up being full already, and then I wandered around downtown for a bit, had an italian soda and some chocolate gelato at my favorite cafe, and then walked home.  I was out walking for a good two hours and got some serious exercise in, which was good because I really didn't feel like being in the gym on such a gorgeous day. 

I came home and cleaned our kitchen from top to bottom.  It took me two hour because it was completely filthy.  We're all so busy we tend to let things go, and since we don't have a dishwasher the dishes pile up like nobody's business. I swear I would cook for myself more often if we had a dishwasher and everything wasn't dirty every time I went to make something tasty.  Tomorrow I absolutely have to tackle my bedroom, and I should really do some homework...ugh.  I'm never going to survive this next year.  I just found out I'm going to be able to graduate on time (I transferred in the middle of my sophomore year and technically had to switch majors, so I always thought I'd be graduating a year late), but in order to do that I have to take summer classes.  Talk about stresssss.  : /

Anyway.  Today I broke my rule of eating only me-made things.  First I had the gelato.  Although I did make myself dinner (the Turkey Taco Lettuce Roll Wrap Spin-Up Whatevers), my roommate wanted to get out the house and go to the movies.  Baaaaad idea.  I don't know what it is about the movies but I always eat like an asshole, as if I'm never going to see popcorn or slushies again.  And of course we went to the drugstore to get candy beforehand. I ate a bag of skittles and a bag of mini York Peppermint Patties (I would seriously whore myself out for York patties...I love them).  However, the Diet Gods were actually smiling on me for once - I unknowingly grabbed a bag of sugar-free York patties and consumed only 1/3 of the calories I would have otherwise.  Pretty awesome.  I think it's a sign that I just need to be more careful about my diet, and everything will fall into place. 

Wanna see my dinner?  Oh, I'm sure you're dying to. 

The taco mix cooking made my house smell pretty delicious, but overall I'm not sure if I'm a fan of the turkey in this use.  Since I don't like beef anyway, I feel no need to "replace" it with something more healthy - I would rather just have chicken.  But overall, not bad.  I'll definitely be eating the leftovers tomorrow.

And now for a little NSV.  Over Christmas Break, I bought myself these really cute, faux-quilted-looking black rain boots.  I'm not sure why I bought them, maybe because they were the only ones I could find that I liked, but they didn't fit over my big calves and if I stood in them they buckles and bent a bit in the middle.  Walking in them was hard because they would push themselves away from my feet with every step because they couldn't go up any higher.  Well I tried them on the other day and am happy to say that they barely bent in the middle at all!  My calves are definitely getting smaller.  That's pretty awesome.  : )

Well guys, I'm going to go watch a little HGTV (I'm obscenely addicted) and digest my 8493 pounds of popcorn.  Come back tomorrow for my weigh in!  <3

Food, Inc.

So I know this is my second post in a day...technically not since it's nearly 1:30 am, but whathaveyou. 

I just watched the documentary Food, Inc.  It was nominated for an Oscar this year - didn't win and I can see why now that I've watched it.  It just lacked a certain...something.  However, it was compelling and I highly recommend that you all go download/buy/rent it and watch it tomorrow.  I'm not kidding.  Cut an hour and a half out of your time this week to watch this documentary.  It may change or even save your life.

I don't want to spoil what the documentary is about (mostly because I want you to WATCH IT), but I will say that it struck a nerve with me.  More than that, it inspired emotion in me.  At the end, I was upset at the food industry, concerned for my own well-being, saddened by the fortunes of people who work in the food industry or don't make enough money to break the shackles of the Dollar Menu, and at the end I came away with a fire lit under my ass.  It's a big fire, and I want to light your asses on fire, too.

Educate yourselves.  Don't be a mindless cow wandering through the aisles of Walmart like a deer in headlights, blinded by the pretty packaging and empty promises of the wrappers of the food you're putting in your mouth.  In this online community, we are all aware of what we eat, but I challenge you to take it one step further.  Learn exactly what's in your food.  Learn where your food comes from.  Learn who processes your food and who distributes it.  Learn and see if your food has been genetically modified.  Most of all, learn who makes your food.  Read the labels.  If there's anything you can't pronounce, choose something else when you can.  If you can pronounce it but you don't know what it is, choose something else when you can.  Buy local.  Buy organic.  Buy from farmer's markets.  Better yet, grow your own food.  Do you know what a broccoli plant actually looks like?  Do you know what a real chicken looks like?  Do you know how cheese is made?  Educate yourselves about what you're eating - it is your most basic right.

Please don't assume I'm trying to preach to you, because this is just as much of a challenge to myself as it is to you.  Only three of four years ago did I actually see a broccoli plant for the first time.  That day I saw real broccoli, real zucchini, real tomatoes, real beans, real corn.  It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I vaguely understood that organic = good.  It wasn't until an hour ago that I really cared.

I understand that buying real, whole food is expensive for people with tight budgets.  Having grown up half the time on welfare and food stamps, I know what is cheapest is what's going to be bought in every situation.  But maybe pull a little of your income from other things - that movie night, that pizza delivery, that new purse - and buy real, good, really good food.  By doing this, you are not only nourishing yourself, but you are nourishing the community of people who want to live well on wholesome food, and you are nourishing the planet.  Buy a new, organic vegetable a week and cook dinner with your family, even on Saturday night when your fourteen-year old daughter wants to go out with a boy in a car, your husband is exhausted from work, and all you want to do is pop in a TV dinner and watch TV.  Personally, even though I have 3294837238939 things to save money for, I am going to spend more money on better food to feed myself and whoever else wants to eat with me, to nourish my planet, and to invest in my community.  I will be  staple of farmer's markets this summer; I'm going to look into my local government to see if I can get a small piece of land to grow my own garden.

There is a huge detachment from us and our food in this country, and I find it unsettling, even disturbing. 

Again, I'm not trying to preach.  I feel passionate about this.  My eyes have finally been fully opened and I'm ready to start challenging myself to really know the most basic of things - what I'm eating.  I hope you'll do the same.

Not-So-Manic Monday

Holaaaaa.

I kind of love Mondays.  Even when I'm in school, I love Mondays.  It's one of the few days I don't have to work and I don't have class til 9:30am.  I get good sleep, get to shower and dress like a normal person with pretty hair, and only have three classes.  Life is good on Mondays.

Today was no exception.  Although there's construction on a house across the street that wakes me up around 8 on the weekdays, I just rolled over and went back to sleep until about 11.  Felt great.  I'm loving all this sleep lately.  I got up, had two slice of Amish Friendship Bread my roommate's friend made for him, a small glass of soymilk, and then I did some dishes.  I went to the gym, took a shower, ate half a pita with some edamame hummus on it, and then went out shopping.  Mostly for groceries so I can make some of Gina's delicious recipes.  This week, I plan on making the Baked Zucchini Sticks, her mouthwatering Deviled Eggs, her Baked Chicken Parmesan which looks tasty and is way better for you than the original, the Turkey Taco Lettuce Wraps which I may or may not switch into a taco salad with some leftover tortilla chips, her Creamy Cauliflower Puree which are supposed to be like fake mashed potatoes, and finally her Spinach Lasagna Rolls. 

Let it be known that deviled eggs and mashed potatoes are two of my MOST FAVORITE foods in the world.  I'm serious.  Every family member knows that deviled egg platter at Thanksgiving and Christmas is not safe if it's within five feet of me.  My grandma usually has to tell me how many I'm allowed to have so that everybody else can get one, and even then I usually swindle people out of theirs by promising back massages and the like.  Mashed potatoes are my favorite comfort food.  When I'm having a bad week or had a bad day or just need my mood lifted, I make myself mashed potatoes.  Whenever my grandma noticed I was down about something and asked if she could make me feel better, I would ask her to make mashed potatoes.  Obviously there's a bad emotional connection here that I should work on, but everybody needs their comfort foods...right? 

So these two recipes have a lot to live up to in my eyes, and the others are just ways to incorporate different veggies/lighter versions of favorite into my diet.  I will surely be taking pictures (although they won't be nearly as pretty as Gina's pictures) and I'm excited to actually be cooking stuff for once!

I think that's all for today.  I haven't eaten that well, between a candy bar and a small block of cheese, but I'm feeling okay about it.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Much love to all of you!  <3

Good start to the week.

Hey friends!

I'm happy to report good news for my first day of eating only me-made things.  So far, I have eaten just about 1000 calories today.  I haven't really done anything except workout, and I'm not really hungry.  Not sure if I'm going to use those calories today.  May save them for some snackies during a movie night I'm having with my friend Chris on Wednesday. 

For breakfast, I made real food!  Scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, and a tropical fruit cup that I just drained and threw on my plate.  A lot of people hate turkey bacon.  I've tried it before, years ago, when I was like thirteen at my friend Ashlee's grandma's house, and I remember liking it.  Today, I thought it was okay.  I do love bacon, but the turkey bacon has an interesting flavor.  I also like my bacon super crispy, nearly burnt, and the turkey bacon didn't crisp up like I was hoping.  It was a little chewy, but overall...not bad.  And 30 calories a slice is nothing to sneeze at.

My scrambled eggs look brown because I didn't want to look for another clean skillet and just scrambled them in the bacon grease.  Yummy, bacony eggs.  >.>


Taking advantage of my Spring Break Sunday, I slept foreeeeever.  I didn't get up until one o'clock, but then discovered it was actually two o'clock because of the time change, haha.  I slept for nearly eleven hours.  So fantastic. 

I didn't really eat a lunch because I ate so late and my breakfast kept full until way after I came back from the gym.  Instead, I had a four pieces of small bread leftover from a date night dinner Andrew and I had Friday night.  On the bread, I put edamame hummus I found at Kroger.  That's right, edamame hummus.  I have never in my life tasted something so delicious.  I'm addicted.  I may never eat regular hummus again, hahaha.

At the gym, I burned 250 calories.  I wanted to do more, but I started feeling kind of sick toward the end and went home to some stomach sickness.  I really wish I had some pepto in this house.  Gotta make a run to CVS soon.

 Also, I peeked at the scale this morning and was thrilled!  I'm gonna keep it a secret, though.  Stay tuned for the official weight on Weigh-In Wednesday!

Much love!  <3

 

Ahh...

Hey friends!

So, my last post was a bit of a panic.  I was tired, overwhelmed with homework, reflecting on my eating and kind of hating on myself.  I do feel like I've been failing at this lately, but I just booked my flight to Mexico this summer and am determined all over again to lose weight so I can look good on the beach!  Yay!

Today is the beginning of Spring Break, and it has been a welcome sigh of relief.  While most people probably spend their Spring Breaks laying around watching TV (not that there's anything at all wrong with that), I'm using mine to get a jump ahead, both on my homework and my fitness plan.  I really don't want the last three weeks to repeat themselves homework-wise, and I really don't want to gain any more weight.  I want to lose weight!  And I'm going to.  There is no "try".  : )

So here's my plan for the next week.  I'm going to do homework/clean during the day (if you could see my room right now...hooooo boy) and workout during the evening.  Today is the last day of this week, and I still have 650 calories for this week left to burn in the gym, so I'm going to go do that at 6 pm (it's 3 pm right now).  I'm going to go to the gym every day.  I've been getting lazy about the strength training lately, so I'm definitely going to make sure I get back on that two days a week.  My next bellydance recital is coming up May 1st, so I'm going to be spending a few nights running through the choreographies over, and over, and over again, haha. 

As far as my diet goes, I'm getting back on track.  My house is FULL of fruit.  To challenge myself this week, I won't be eating anything I didn't make myself.  Yes, that's right... I will not eat anything I didn't make myself.  That means no eating out, no ordering pizza, and no gulping down pounds and pounds of sugary coffee drinks while I study.  Tea only.  I'm also going to try out a little meal planning.  I've been seeing this pop up all over our little blogosphere and I'm curious to see how it will work out for me.

You guys are gonna see a lot of me this week, because I'm going to take pictures of everything I make and eat, and hopefully lots of pictures of my sweaty, workouty face!

This week is exactly what I needed to catch up and get ahead.  Miss Erika is back.  I hope you guys aren't sick of me whining about how I can't do it, because I can and I will.  This week will be proof.  Keep following and commenting, please!  And if I need my ass kicked a little, please do that too.  : )

Hasta luego, lovers!

EDIT:

So, to begin my week of me-created meals, I started with dinner tonight - lemon pepper salmon and peas and carrots.  Simple, but incredibly delicious.

Yeah, it's a crappy phone picture, but look!  I cooked salmon!  I'm so proud.  I used salmon filets I found at Aldi.  They come individually frozen, four filets per bag.  I was expecting them to be lower quality, really fishy tasting, etc., but it was actually incredibly tasty.  I massaged it with some lemon pepper seasoning my roomate picked up at CVS, of all places.  It was incredibly delicious.

More tasty meals to come tomorrow!

S.O.S.

I need help.

This semester is killing me.  I have so much work, I have to go to my job, all of my classes are demanding to begin with and then I have five of them.  I have no time for the things I love - yoga, bellydance, my boyfriend.  I'm always exhausted, always worried about due dates and deadlines, always stressing about bills and money.  I can't relax.  I don't sleep well as it is, and this stress is making my problems worse.  I don't know how to do this and be a healthy person at the same time.  I feel that deadline of Christmas Eve, the date by which I should have lost fifty pounds, looming over my head and it feels more ominous every time I weigh in and find I've gained weight instead of lost it.  I can't get a handle on my eating.  I keep making horrible food choices because I find myself not caring.  I eat when I'm not hungry.  I say out loud "I'm hungry, I'm gonna go grab a donut" at work to make my coworkers think I'm hungry and not just a fatass (as if I'm fooling anybody...look at me).  I feel myself failing, like I have every other time I've tried to lose weight.  I feel like a failure, and I know I'm only failing myself in the long run but that thought is never in my mind when the donut/cookie/slice of pizza is in my mouth.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what needs to give to make this all work.  I'm afraid all the people around me see is me doing what I always do - failing at losing weight, never finishing anything I start, rationalizing every mistake away.  I feel like I'm in over my head, but at the same time feel like I should be able to handle this . Like I should be able to do everything all at once. 

I know I'm hyper-independent, and to a fault.  But now I need your advice.  How do you make yourself stick to your plan?  It seems like I just can't control myself at all.  I don't know what to do.

S.O.S.

Quickie

Just a quick post tonight, cause I'm exhausted and have to be at work in six hours, which means five hours of sleep for me tonight.  Again.  x.x 

Today, I ate around 1500 calories.  I would have stayed at 1300 if I hadn't had to stay up and write a paper, causing me to get hungry at a time when I'm normally asleep.  I snacked on a couple/few string cheeses.  I love cheese.

I was working on my paper because I spent part of my afternoon in the gym.  After I come home from class, I generally chill for about an hour to just relax and unwind after the hectic-ness my day can be.  At five, I called my friend Courtney and asked if she wanted to go to the gym with me. I called my mom while I waited for her to get here and pick me up, and we got to the gym about 5:40, walked around the track briskly until a couple of ellipticals opened up at 6:00, and then we each worked out for half an hour.  In 26 minutes, I TORCHED 300 calories.  Like, torched.  I'm talkin, like, I kicked ass and didn't even bother about the names.  I've been going hardcore the past few workouts and I love it.  I always want to stop and slow down but the exhilaration at the end is so worth it.   I also ate near-flawlessly today.  Cottage cheese/banana for breakfast, salad/fruit cup/soy milk for lunch, banana for snack before the gym, Random Salad (will explain tomorrow) for dinner, and three string cheeses as snacks.  I love me some dairy! 

While this week is not as hectic as the past two have been, I still have a lot of things going on I didn't forsee, so forgive me if you don't hear from me much this week.  I'm still reading your blogs, I promise!  And a big HEY to my new followers!  <3 you guys!

Vicious Cycle

Two weeks have passed since my last workout.  The first week and a half, because I had too much work to do (honestly) - the last half week, because I've been sick.  Today's weather was gorgeous, and I wanted to take my roomate's dog and go jog outside.  Instead, I chose to go to Sonic with a couple friends and devour every kind of fried food offered.

I'm having a hard time getting back on track here.  As I was eating my Sonic food, I thought I felt free and able to do and eat whatever I wanted, whatever looked or sounded good.  I was exercising my freedom of choice, my independence.  If you know me at all, you know I am fiercely independent.  I'm not a huge fan of the idea of marriage and I don't want kids because I want to be able to live my life exactly how I want to live it, to make spontaneous choices, to be able to get up and move whenever I feel like it.  In the back of my mind, I don't consider myself happy with life unless I have the ability to get up and move to another house, another street, another city.  I thought about being a nurse for a long time because I knew I could find a job anywhere.  I don't want to find myself stuck somewhere, unhappy.  I want all options open to me at all times.

I think this is part of the reason I have such a hard time sticking to my weight-loss plan.  I have to tell myself I'm not allowed to eat cookies or go to Sonic because I can't control myself around those kinds of food, and at the same time I feel deprived because those options aren't available to me.  The second I let myself "take a break", I go nuts.  I inhale fatty food, cookies, ice cream, whatever I want.  I never have the problem of guilt.  In fact, I feel happy about eating whatever I wanted - about having all those options open to me.

I'm realizing now that I've put myself in a very vicious mental cycle.  I want to be able to really live my life, so I let myself eat whatever.  But if I want to have that freedom that I crave, the freedom to get up and move without a second thought, I can't eat the way I've been eating.  I'm just going to end up trapped in a fat suit I can't take off.  I'm going to find myself stuck somewhere, unhappy.

I refuse to settle for being only kind of happy because I'm overweight and I've fooled myself into thinking eating whatever I want makes me happy.  This has to stop.  And not tomorrow, today.  Right now.

I'm going to the gym.


EDIT:

So, the next time you look up the definition for "Rockstar", this is the picture you're gonna see:

 

I know I don't look that sweaty, but hah...trust me...I was nasty.

I mentioned before I wanted to hit 1750 calories burned per week - half a pound.  I wanted to get a jump on it this week (and wanted to redeem myself a little after Sonic), so I spent 1.75 hours in the gym.  I burned 400 on the bike and then 350 on the elliptical.  That equals 750, which leaves me with 1000 left to do this week.  I feel pretty good about that, and pretty damn good about my ability to do all that after two weeks of not exercising at all without passing out.  Props to me, man.

Well, I'm starving, so I'm gonna go eat something healthy.  Adios, kids. <3

Derailed. Again. / Wednesday Weigh-In # 5

Mornin', friends.

I have, indeed, been derailed from my efforts yet again.  By what, you ask?

My boyfriend's cold.  Ugh.  x.x

I really feel like crap.  My throat hurts, I feel completely exhausted, I've had a headache that won't go away, a developing cough, and all I can think about is sleep, sleep, and more sleep.  I have two midterms today and an oral Spanish exam tomorrow, and I can't even bring myself to study for any decent length of time.  I just wanna stay in bed with some soup and forget the rest of the world exists.  Thank god a coworker took my shift today, otherwise I'd be totally screwed.

Random site note:  My cat keeps finding hard stuff to chew on.  I think he thinks he's a dog...


Anyway.  I want back in the gym so badly, but I'm so tired and feel so...weak.  I went to bellydance last night since I had to skip it all last week and my body was just so happy to have the activity.  I'm hoping I feel well enough tomorrow or Friday to go have a good workout.  I also really need to get groceries, but I lost my debit card last week and haven't gotten my new one, and the grocery store I like to go to only takes cash or debit, and my bank doesn't have a branch down here in Btown.  I guess I just have to sit tight until I feel better and can buy bananas.


What do you guys do when you're feeling sick but want exercise?  Do you do anything at all?

Oh yeah, my weigh in!  Not as bad as I was expecting - it read at 204.  That means I have threeish weeks to lose six pounds so I can reach my ten pounds lost goal and get my massage!  I feel pretty confident that I can do that - with Spring Break right around the corner, I have a whole free week to focus on my health and get back on track and once I get over this cold I'm going to be hitting the gym every day since I won't have much homework after these midterms.  I can't wait for summer when I can work out and don't have to stress about homework and stuff.  I'll be spending three weeks in Mexico, but after that I'll just be working and getting things together for when my boyfriend and I move into our apartment in July.  This has really been such a bad semester - I can't believe it's half over already, but I can't wait for it to end, either.  I really hope next semester isn't so stressful and busy.

Also, last week Katie and Kerri gave me the Beautiful Blogger Award!

 

I'm really happy to have received this and have been thinking carefully about who I wanted to pass it along to.  First, however, as per the rules, I have to list seven fun things about me.

1.  I'm a bellydance student.  I'm hoping that soon I'll be comfortable enough to call myself a real bellydancer.  It really isn't what you see in the movies, and the history of the dance is long and complicated.  It really is an art form, and although I'm mostly a logical, reason-oriented person, I still love and embrace the emotion that goes into the dance.

2.  I eat ridiculous amounts of cheese.  Maybe this one's already obvious from my laments about/triumphs over cheese at work, but really - ask my boyfriend.  It's one of the first things he learned about me, haha.

3.  I write poetry.  Or maybe better said, I have written poetry in the past. I still consider myself a poet, just one long out of practice.

4.  I'm hoping to become a Mayanist (archaeologist of the Maya) and go to grad school for it.  Grad school seems really far away, though, especially because I'm so enjoying my undergrad career here at my new school.  I'm really a huge nerd - I love interesting classes!

5.  I brush my teeth in the shower.  Try it sometime, it's so much easier.

6. As mentioned above, I'm a huge nerd in almost every arena.  Because of this, I have studied many languages.  I'm a Spanish major as well as an Anthropology major, and I've also studied Russian, a little Arabic, and Yucatec Maya.  If I had time to do it, I would also study Italian, Quechua, and anything else that sounded interesting, haha.

7.  I have gone through some pretty rough things in my past, but have been lucky enough to find myself under the care of my wonderful grandparents, and they have given me the opportunity to travel to some really amazing places:  Canada for a wilderness trip, Puerto Rico, England for a semester (and therefore Scotland, Wales, and Amsterdam), Spain, and an upcoming trip to Mexico!  I really do consider myself one of the luckiest people in world for all the good things that have come to me in life.

And I get to pass the award onto seven other bloggers!

1.  Grace at Just Another Stupid Weight Loss Blog
2.  Cassie at Headed to Fabulous n Forty
3.  Nicole at Let Them Eat Lettuce
4.  Whitney at Fat Girl in a Wedding Dress
5.  Victoria at Becoming My Perfect Me
6.  Lys at No Ordinary Princess
7.  "Adorkable" at Journey to a Cute(r) Tush


I really love reading these ladies' blogs and want them all to know that they are beautiful people!  Good luck on your journeys, girls, and know I'm always there to support you.  : )

Well, friends, I've procrastinated enough on these midterms.  Time to get to work.  See ya later! <3

Hellooooo, March!

Hey guys!

I know, I know, I haven't posted in over a week.  The reason for this is that last week nearly killed me.  I had an insane amount of homework pile up on my unexpectedly - I ended up pulling two all-nighters in a span of four days to finish everything on time, and I still had to get a couple extensions on assignments.  And then over the weekend I went to Evansville to celebrate my best friend's 21st birthday (hey girl hey, Bonbon!).  I got back in town yesterday afternoon, had to go straight to work, and then did homework and hung out with my boyfriend who I hadn't seen in about five days.

Because I was so overwhelmed/overstressed last week, I consciously let me eating slide.  I had enough stress (on Tuesday I was physically sick because of it) to cope with - trying to track and count calories would have been more or less impossible, so I made the decision to take the week off, so to speak.  But I'm back!  I know I've gained weight because of stress and eating my weight in chocolate because it's that time of the month, but I'm back to get on track again.  Wednesday is weigh-in day, since I switched to every other week.  Last time's weigh-in was 201.6, I believe.  I'm expecting to be around 205.  Even if I weigh more than that - even if I weigh 208.5 again - I'm just going to take it as inspiration to work harder.  I found a little notebook on my floor that can serve as a physical food diary, so that should help.  I feel really rundown after last week/weekend and I honestly think it has more to do with the way I was eating than the lack of proper sleep.  I'm also getting sick, so I've been trying to drink insane amounts of fluids.  I've probably had six water bottles full already today.

Has anybody done one of those Couch to 5K things?  Nicole, I know you have.  I was kind of interested in doing one, but I dunno...I really do hate running sometimes and other time I really love it.  Do you have to do something every day for it?  I don't know if I have the time.

Well, since it is March 1st, I'm starting to think about some goals for this month.  Feb-April always seems to be a weird time of the year for me.  I'm not sure why, though.  But maybe if I can set some goals (and stick to them...) I can get really get this year going.

* Eat out no more than twice a week.  Right now, I eat out a lot.  And I mean a lot.  Like dinner every other day.  During January I did a great job of cooking for myself, but I think homework/stress just got in the way of that.  Now, however, I have to save every penny I can - I got accepted for a field school in Mexico this summer!  I'm so excited, but I'm not excited to pay for it.  In order to pay for it, I really can't be financially frivolous.  Does anybody have good strategies for keeping track of finances/sticking to a budget?  It seems to be a skill I just can't master.

* Achieve 1,750 calories per week burned off through exercise.  I know that a pound = about 3500 calories, yeah?  So if I want to lose a pound a week, half through exercise, that means I should burn 1750 calories per week.  That's almost six sessions of 300 calories per week.  That sounds like a lot.  Does anybody else out there complete this much exercise?  Of course, I'm not sure how many calories I burn during my dance classes...maybe 200?  Does anybody know a site that will estimate this for me?

* Weigh no more than 198 on the last day of March.  This will put me at ten pounds lost, which means I will finally get my massage!  I need one so badly, I can't even describe it to you.



Well. I'm going to focus on those things for now.  I know I was asking a lot of you guys in this post, but I have ten readers now!  Yay!  Help me get back on the horse, guys.

Tune in next time as I pass along the award that Kerri and Katie gave me over at their blog!


Peace out, friends. <3