The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Today, since I have actually managed to stick to my diet and go to the gym all in the same day, I thought I'd lay out the good, the bad, and the ugly about being overweight to give myself something to look back on when I'm feeling discouraged or complacent, and perhaps to give you guys a little insight into my daily struggles.

The Good
Um.  Nothing.

The Bad
How about we start with the health risks?  As I've mentioned before, heart problems run in my family.  Last time I went to the doctor, my blood pressure was higher than usual, corresponding with my heaviest-yet weight.  Also bad is the self-esteem/-confidence that gets damaged nearly every time I look in the mirror and that I can't seem to keep from slipping, no matter what anybody tells me.  Most of the time, I do have pretty good self-esteem.  But on those off days when I just look like crap and can't bring myself to do anything but sit around in my boyfriend's sweats and eat chocolate, my self-esteem/-confidence plummet.  My boyfriend can tell me I'm beautiful til he's blue in the face but on those days it never matters.  I feel ugly, and gross, and like I shouldn't dirty the face of the earth with my nasty self by leaving the house.  I rarely feel like this, but the point is that sometimes I do actually feel like this.  Nobody should have to feel this way because of something changeable like their weight.  Another bad thing is that I jiggle when I walk, and clothes shopping can be just straight up obnoxious.  There are stores I know I can't go into because nothing will fit.  And while these stores usually sell styles I wouldn't wear anyway, it's the fact that my weight is robbing me of the choice to try those clothes on that really bothers me.  And I don't want to lose fifty pounds to be skinny.  "Thin" is not my goal here - my goal is to be healthy, fit, and to initiate patterns of eating and behavior that will last my entire life.  If it just so happens that I end up thin, so be it.  If I get to the point where I'm too thin, I'll reevaluate my goals.  To me, thin women without curves just aren't as attractive as curvy women whose bones you couldn't count just by looking at them.

The Ugly
Alright.  So even on my bad days, I don't think I'm ugly.  Few people are actually ugly.  I know I'm pretty - I have a nice face, great curves, big blue eyes, and naturally blonde hair.  But thanks to my weight, my body has a few ugly features.  Perhaps the most annoying thing is that I can't wear skirts or dresses without having to lube up my thighs with copious amounts of deodorant to prevent chafing.  Deodorant is the best solution I've found for this, but it would be so nice if I didn't even have to worry about it.  Another thing that annoys me are these long stretch marks on my belly from losing, gaining, losing, gaining weight.  They're never going to go away.  Maybe when I'm 158 I can wear the proudly, like scars from donating a kidney or something.  But right now, they just remind me of past failures, and I wish they made a flesh-colored Magic Marker so I could at least cover them up.  The ugliest thing, though, is also the funniest.  After all, how can you be healthy if you can't laugh at yourself?  So, my fat has its own topography.  I'm not kidding.  The lines start about two or three inches below my belly button and there's three or four of them in rows down my lower stomach.  They aren't folds in my skin, just kind of indentations, and I feel like they designate where some fat rolls would be if I were heavier.  It's unpleasant to think about, but being overweight is unpleasant.  It's very unpleasant.  And I can't wait until I don't have to think about it anymore.  I can laugh about it now, because I know it's not my permanent state of being.

Food diary time!
Breakfast - cereal with skim milk for 270
Snack - 2 English chocolate tea biscuits for 160
Lunch - 1/2 PBJ sammich and mandarin oranges for 345
Dinner - Healthy Choice dinner for 310
Snack - 2 string cheeses and a yogurt dessert cup for 260
Total: 1360

So after my last post about how I'm not on a diet (which I still stick to), I've been thinking about my eating and have decided that I really do need to keep up with my food diary most days of the week (5 out of 7).  I can easily see this being my downfall, again, and I'm determined to succeed this time.

And on that train of thought, I just want to say that if you're reading this, and you know me, and you know that a lot of the time I say I'm going to do things and then never finish/get around to doing them, I want to let you know that this is not one of those times.  I'm serious.  And I absolutely need you to believe in me, because I can't do this without your support.

Adios.