Hey guys! Here's a video for ya: sorry, the sound isn't that great, so you're going to have to turn your volume waaaay up to hear me. I think my voice sounds kinda weird, but...whatevs. I recorded this last night before I went to bed. Enjoy!
My face!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Uh...can you come back here for a minute?
Yeah, I'm talkin to you, Weekend. Why did you leave me so quickly? We had just gotten to be good friends!
Anyway, I am a bit sleep deprived, and sleep deprivation tends me to make me personify any- and absolutely everything. I am facing another long night of homework this evening, but wanted to come and post here before I got started. How is it already Wednesday? I swear I last posted yesterday. This week is flying by, and so is this semester. I'm only, what...three weeks to the end? And in that time I have a 4 page paper, a 10 page paper, two presentations, and countless semester-end quizzes and crap to deal with. In three weeks. You should all hope and pray I don't kill somebody in these coming weeks.
So my last post was a pretty happy one, what with that second moment and all, and I am happy to say that moment has not faded! I have eaten very poorly the past few days, an exact replica of my old diet, but I've been very aware of what I've been doing to myself both psychologically and physically. Today, I have been focusing on choices, specifically healthy ones. Before anything has gone in my mouth, I have stopped and thought "Is this a healthy choice?" Not even, "Will this help me lose weight?", because although I talk about it a lot and it is the basis of this blog, my health remains my biggest focus. So, "Is this a healthy choice?" If no, I put it back or pulled my hand away. If so, I ate it. So far today I have made one unhealthy choice - I ate a cupcake at work, because it was the rare combination of white icing with vanilla cake (usually they make the vanilla cupcakes with chocolate icing, and I would rather have the white). So I had one because it was kind of special. I only ate 2/3 of it - a friend ate the rest. But it was a choice I made, and I am choosing to not eat anything else unhealthy for the rest of the evening. Here's a quick breakdown of what I've eaten today:
Breakfast: vanilla yogurt with vanilla almond granola
Snack: A small piece of whole wheat bread (about 1/2 a piece of regular bread) with a bit of hummus and lettuce, string cheese
Lunch: A tasty salad with a dark-leaf mix, smoked turkey, 1/2 slice of swiss cheese, almonds, green peppers, onions, and Asian sesame dressing. And the cupcake.
And although I am going to Starbucks tonight, I'm gonna try to stick to green tea and no brownies. Things are looking up! I got a mini-solo in a choreography that my bellydance group is performing in less than a month (yikes!), so I'm excited! April is gonna be a rollercoaster, fo sho.
Hasta luego, amigos!
Anyway, I am a bit sleep deprived, and sleep deprivation tends me to make me personify any- and absolutely everything. I am facing another long night of homework this evening, but wanted to come and post here before I got started. How is it already Wednesday? I swear I last posted yesterday. This week is flying by, and so is this semester. I'm only, what...three weeks to the end? And in that time I have a 4 page paper, a 10 page paper, two presentations, and countless semester-end quizzes and crap to deal with. In three weeks. You should all hope and pray I don't kill somebody in these coming weeks.
So my last post was a pretty happy one, what with that second moment and all, and I am happy to say that moment has not faded! I have eaten very poorly the past few days, an exact replica of my old diet, but I've been very aware of what I've been doing to myself both psychologically and physically. Today, I have been focusing on choices, specifically healthy ones. Before anything has gone in my mouth, I have stopped and thought "Is this a healthy choice?" Not even, "Will this help me lose weight?", because although I talk about it a lot and it is the basis of this blog, my health remains my biggest focus. So, "Is this a healthy choice?" If no, I put it back or pulled my hand away. If so, I ate it. So far today I have made one unhealthy choice - I ate a cupcake at work, because it was the rare combination of white icing with vanilla cake (usually they make the vanilla cupcakes with chocolate icing, and I would rather have the white). So I had one because it was kind of special. I only ate 2/3 of it - a friend ate the rest. But it was a choice I made, and I am choosing to not eat anything else unhealthy for the rest of the evening. Here's a quick breakdown of what I've eaten today:
Breakfast: vanilla yogurt with vanilla almond granola
Snack: A small piece of whole wheat bread (about 1/2 a piece of regular bread) with a bit of hummus and lettuce, string cheese
Lunch: A tasty salad with a dark-leaf mix, smoked turkey, 1/2 slice of swiss cheese, almonds, green peppers, onions, and Asian sesame dressing. And the cupcake.
And although I am going to Starbucks tonight, I'm gonna try to stick to green tea and no brownies. Things are looking up! I got a mini-solo in a choreography that my bellydance group is performing in less than a month (yikes!), so I'm excited! April is gonna be a rollercoaster, fo sho.
Hasta luego, amigos!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
*click*
You know that moment when you first realized you wanted or needed to lose weight? When you realized the potential within a life full of healthy food and exercise? When you made those first steps toward changing your life around? When you laid our your goals, your methods, your plan, and set yourself on that lifelong track? Do you remember that moment?
I remember my moment. And I remember letting that moment go about mid-semester. And now, I'm having a second one.
I was doing so well, and then school knocked me off track. Knocked me so far off, in fact, that it's taken me this long to even find my track again. I wandered blindly through a forest of bad food choices, unable to find the right direction to run in, and unwilling to even run or do any exercise again. But I've stumbled upon my track once again. It's spring, and the sun is out, and I'm ready to go. The past couple of days have been spent in evaluation of what went wrong and how I can fix it. And now that I've won Alexia's giveaway for the overeating/binge eating workbook, and now that I've gotten a grant for $900 to help pay for my Mexico trip and actually have money to spend again on food, I have all the tools I need.
I'm tired of feeling tired, and heavy, and slow. I don't want to sit all day. I want to get up, go outside, and enjoy my life. I crave that feeling of lightness that comes from eating well, the energy that comes from exercise. I miss feeling like a well-oiled machine. I guess I forgot that machines need maintenance, and I stopped caring for mine. But school has become manageable again, and with the rest of my year looking like it's going to be wonderful, I'm ready to get back to where I was and to where I want to stay - my happy, healthy place. I know the next time I let myself wander back into the land of bad choices I will remember the past month or so and I will quickly turn back around and get healthy again. I never want to feel this run-down for this length of time ever again. I've gotten some great advice from some great people on how to get started again, and I will succeed. As in every other arena of my life, from school to relationships, failure just is not an option. I will not fail at being a healthy and happier person.
I have to do some homework to do at the library, but when I get back I'm cleaning all the bad things out of my fridge and pantry and I'm going to the store with my paycheck to buy good, healthy foodstuffs. I'm sure there will be pictures when I get back. I'm glad my mind has clicked back into place. : )
I remember my moment. And I remember letting that moment go about mid-semester. And now, I'm having a second one.
I was doing so well, and then school knocked me off track. Knocked me so far off, in fact, that it's taken me this long to even find my track again. I wandered blindly through a forest of bad food choices, unable to find the right direction to run in, and unwilling to even run or do any exercise again. But I've stumbled upon my track once again. It's spring, and the sun is out, and I'm ready to go. The past couple of days have been spent in evaluation of what went wrong and how I can fix it. And now that I've won Alexia's giveaway for the overeating/binge eating workbook, and now that I've gotten a grant for $900 to help pay for my Mexico trip and actually have money to spend again on food, I have all the tools I need.
I'm tired of feeling tired, and heavy, and slow. I don't want to sit all day. I want to get up, go outside, and enjoy my life. I crave that feeling of lightness that comes from eating well, the energy that comes from exercise. I miss feeling like a well-oiled machine. I guess I forgot that machines need maintenance, and I stopped caring for mine. But school has become manageable again, and with the rest of my year looking like it's going to be wonderful, I'm ready to get back to where I was and to where I want to stay - my happy, healthy place. I know the next time I let myself wander back into the land of bad choices I will remember the past month or so and I will quickly turn back around and get healthy again. I never want to feel this run-down for this length of time ever again. I've gotten some great advice from some great people on how to get started again, and I will succeed. As in every other arena of my life, from school to relationships, failure just is not an option. I will not fail at being a healthy and happier person.
I have to do some homework to do at the library, but when I get back I'm cleaning all the bad things out of my fridge and pantry and I'm going to the store with my paycheck to buy good, healthy foodstuffs. I'm sure there will be pictures when I get back. I'm glad my mind has clicked back into place. : )
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Ugh.
I can't believe this. My day started out terribly, after not having gotten nearly enough sleep and having to be at work at 7am. Then I pretty much failed a Spanish test because I had the date wrong in my head and didn't have enough time to study for it. So I went to class all day, came home and crashed for about an hour (I'm so exhausted today...I haven't slept well at all for the past two weeks. I wish I could admit myself to the hospital for exhaustion and just chill for the next five weeks without doing anything but magically getting A's in all my classes). And then I got up to go to my bellydance class, and I saw it - my car. My poor Guido.
I live on the corner of two very busy streets, midway between two very loud and very populated party central areas near campus. Usually I just get to laugh at the drunk people as they wander past my corner, but I guess today one of them decided to take their car and wander right into my car. The back is completely trashed. Like, my bumper was laying in the road, back windshield glass sparkling in the sunset, trashed.
I almost cried. You should cry. Because it's April Fool's and I just got you. :D
I know, I know, I'm evil. But unfortunately, the only thing untrue about the above story is the part about my car. Today did kind of suck, and I am completely exhausted. However, I have made progress! Today, I chose a banana to accompany my lunch sandwich instead of a cookie. I ate only three servings of cheese, including the cheese on my sandwich. I have had two servings of fruit and two servings of vegetables so far today. Progress! I didn't eat very well at breakfast, opting for a giant sugary donut thing that has at least 500 calories in it. I chose this because I was about ready to pass out from hunger when I got to work (literally...) and needed something in my stomach. But I had milk with it! So that puts me at five dairy servings today hahaha. I told you I love dairy. :P So I snacked on some cheese, had a sandwich with smoked turkey, swiss cheese, and a whole lot veggies on it along with my banana. And then I didn't eat again until I got home, and I had a tropical fruit cup and then I shoved a few tablespoons of peanut butter down my throat before dance because I woke up starving. I needed something that would keep me full without filling up my stomach, because doing undulations on a full stomach is pretty much a surefire way to throw up absolutely everywhere. :P
So. I expect that PB to keep me going for a while, and I'm going to take a little baggy of carrots to snack on at work when I get hungry. But only when I get hungry. I have not mindlessly eaten at all today. :D
I'm feeling good! We're practicing a pretty high-energy dance for our recital and I was definitely sweating. I'm pumped up and awake now and would love to go the gym...but I have to go to work. Booo, work. : (
It's been a gorgeous day here, so I guess I can't feel too bad about my meh day. How has your day been going? Toodles!
I live on the corner of two very busy streets, midway between two very loud and very populated party central areas near campus. Usually I just get to laugh at the drunk people as they wander past my corner, but I guess today one of them decided to take their car and wander right into my car. The back is completely trashed. Like, my bumper was laying in the road, back windshield glass sparkling in the sunset, trashed.
I almost cried. You should cry. Because it's April Fool's and I just got you. :D
I know, I know, I'm evil. But unfortunately, the only thing untrue about the above story is the part about my car. Today did kind of suck, and I am completely exhausted. However, I have made progress! Today, I chose a banana to accompany my lunch sandwich instead of a cookie. I ate only three servings of cheese, including the cheese on my sandwich. I have had two servings of fruit and two servings of vegetables so far today. Progress! I didn't eat very well at breakfast, opting for a giant sugary donut thing that has at least 500 calories in it. I chose this because I was about ready to pass out from hunger when I got to work (literally...) and needed something in my stomach. But I had milk with it! So that puts me at five dairy servings today hahaha. I told you I love dairy. :P So I snacked on some cheese, had a sandwich with smoked turkey, swiss cheese, and a whole lot veggies on it along with my banana. And then I didn't eat again until I got home, and I had a tropical fruit cup and then I shoved a few tablespoons of peanut butter down my throat before dance because I woke up starving. I needed something that would keep me full without filling up my stomach, because doing undulations on a full stomach is pretty much a surefire way to throw up absolutely everywhere. :P
So. I expect that PB to keep me going for a while, and I'm going to take a little baggy of carrots to snack on at work when I get hungry. But only when I get hungry. I have not mindlessly eaten at all today. :D
I'm feeling good! We're practicing a pretty high-energy dance for our recital and I was definitely sweating. I'm pumped up and awake now and would love to go the gym...but I have to go to work. Booo, work. : (
It's been a gorgeous day here, so I guess I can't feel too bad about my meh day. How has your day been going? Toodles!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Jamie Oliver Can Revolutionize Me Any Day
Anyway. I was really interested in watching this show when I saw the first previews for it during one of the few minutes I actually sit and watch TV. Being a huge fan of the Food Network and all things delicious, I of course know who Jamie Oliver is. What I didn't know was that he helped reform school lunches in Great Britain and is currently trying to do the same thing in America. Being a product of the American school lunch, I have to say that I find his efforts admirable and I'm sad that nobody tried doing this sooner. Maybe it really just takes a cute man with a badass accent to do the job. :P
I remember my elementary school lunches. It was the same kind of second-rate pizza at least twice a week (I remember a few times mine having plastic stuck in it...), the same chicken nuggets the kids eat in Jamie's show, the same flavored milk (I always loved Strawberry). I remember that I used to make jokes about the Mac 'n Cheese, calling it Mac 'n Glue because I could stick my plastic fork into it and turn it upside down and nothing would drip out. I ate nachos on a regular basis, and the closest I ever got to fruit were these triangle-shaped frozen fruit popsicle things wrapped in paper. Combined this with my mom's out-of-box cooking (no offense, Mama!) and I was pretty much doomed. I was always a heavy kid - I have pictures to prove it - and insisted I was "big boned" when compared with my very thin and light little sister (and pretty much my whole mom's side of the family). I think a lot of my self esteem problems stemmed from this blatant difference between me and my sister, and it took me a long time to accept myself. Unfortunately, when I accepted myself as I was I also accepted my bad eating habits. Fast forward about seven years, and here I am, almost obese (according to the BMI chart), still in an unhealthy relationship with food, and still unable to change my habits, to which my recent weight gains will attest.
Me and my sister during my senior year of high school.
By the way, I weighed myself. 204.5. Very not good.
I wish I had been taught proper eating as a child. I wish I had learned to appreciate fresh fruit and vegetables when I was 10 instead of 21. But I'm a smart cookie, and I'm not too old yet - still young enough to change my ways. :P
I think I need to go back to the basics here. I can exercise my ass off, but my eating is what is always going to come back and bite me. I'm going to see how many meals a week I can cook for myself, versus eating out. I like eating tasty things, and I want to learn how to make tasty things - what better time to start than now? As per my boyfriend's advice, I also want to learn a bit more about metabolism. I know eating smaller and more often is better, but I don't really know why. What time of day should I eat? I have questions, and I want to take some time to answer them. Although I may not reach my goal of losing 50 pounds by Christmas Eve, if I can learn all these things about food and eating and then implement them in order to change my life...I still count that as a win.
Speaking of food, I've really been trying to eat organically as possible since I watched Food, Inc. I've been avoiding high fructose corn syrup like the plague (and yeah, sure, it's fine in moderation, but it's hard to eat it in moderation when it's in literally everything that goes in my mouth). I haven't had a pop, save for a sip here and there, for about two weeks now, even diet pop. I've been reading ingredient labels (what the hell is maltodextrin? Does anybody know?) and making every effort to buy organic food. Unfortunately, eating well can be expensive, and I don't really have the money for it. Does anybody out there have advice on what's worth spending the money on to get organic stuff?
In order to get my healthiness and weight loss back on track, I'm going to try and go back to posting every day here. That really seemed to help keep me focus, and as my life gets busier toward the end of the semester, I'm going to need all the focus I can get.
Well, I need to go do dishes so I can cook myself dinner. I'm thinking salmon and Gina's faked-mashed-potatoes cauliflower puree. Yummy...
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Oops.
Yeah...
Well, I know I haven't posted in about a week. I'm sorry about that. I've really been ignoring my health goals lately. It hasn't been that I've had too much to do...I've just been ignoring my goals. I've been ignoring myself, really. I think part of the problem is that I just may not want this bad enough. It's kind of on a back burner, after school. I need the summer so I can have a little bit less to do and a little bit more energy to focus on health, but I know if I just put it off until summer that I will never get back on track. Another part of the problem, in my opinion, is that I've become bored with my workouts. I hate the idea of becoming a slave to the gym, and I should really think of more creative ways to get exercise for times when I don't have access to the gym, like the summers. I get bored pretty quickly if I do the same thing over and over again, so I think I'm going to incorporate more dance practice into my weeks. I need it because I've become rusty, and it's exercise that I love to do and that I know I will keep up with. I have two choreographies to perfect for a semester-end recital, and I want to put a new one together over the summer in the hopes I will have a solo spot in Raks Party 2010 this fall. The only obstacle to this is keeping my room clean...yikes! I've been trying to clean my room bit by bit and so far it's taken me a week and I'm still not done! I'm not kidding. Ask my boyfriend.
So I'm going to try and refocus my energies. Apologies to those who follow me and have already heard this about five times (I told you never finish anything...). Maybe I've been quitting more often than most people, but I really have no will to do things just for me - if it's something for somebody else, I can have it done in as little time as possible, but I have a really difficult time focusing on my own body and my own self sometimes. I really miss my yoga class - that was awesome "me" time. Maybe now that my room is clean I can roll out my yoga mat again. At least I keep coming back to my plan and trying again. If you don't succeed, try, try again, I guess.
I've been trying to think of creative incentives to keep me exercising, and I think I've found one that might work. Ten-pound goal rewards always seem so distant...I haven't even lost ten pounds yet! : ( I saw a comment on one of Jack's posts, I think, where a woman was giving herself fifty cents for every workout so she could save up and buy something for herself. Although my budget is quickly becoming tighter, I think I might start doing this too. I'm going to empty out my piggy bank and start replacing the coins for every workout - I'm thinking 25 cents for every half hour, and when I get a good amount of cash saved up I'm going to buy myself a new swimsuit! That's like double incentive, right? :P I really need a new swimsuit as mine from last year never looked great to being with and is starting to fall apart now. I think I might keep track of how much is in my bank on the side of my blog as a reminder to myself to keep it up.
I just wanted to make a shoutout to a few people. Firstly, my boyfriend's mom Terri for losing over ten pounds! Yay! She said that I was an inspiration for her, but sphff - now she's an inspiration for me. Also, to my Uncle Richard, for reading this and giving me some really great weight-loss advice. He too has always struggled with his weight, and his timely email today renewed my resolve to not only get this weight gone, but to consider the life-long changes I'm making. Thanks to both of you guys. : )
Also - Happy Belated Birthday, Alexia! You rock my socks off, lady. : )
And a huge thanks to all my readers who are sticking with me even though I'm not doing a great job here right now. A couple of time I have thought about abandoning this blog and just giving up, but knowing that are people are expecting posts and progress of me is really helping me out. I love this community, and I truly appreciate everybody who reads my ups and downs.
Okay, well I've done a little dancing and now I'm going to keep going. Adios! <3
Well, I know I haven't posted in about a week. I'm sorry about that. I've really been ignoring my health goals lately. It hasn't been that I've had too much to do...I've just been ignoring my goals. I've been ignoring myself, really. I think part of the problem is that I just may not want this bad enough. It's kind of on a back burner, after school. I need the summer so I can have a little bit less to do and a little bit more energy to focus on health, but I know if I just put it off until summer that I will never get back on track. Another part of the problem, in my opinion, is that I've become bored with my workouts. I hate the idea of becoming a slave to the gym, and I should really think of more creative ways to get exercise for times when I don't have access to the gym, like the summers. I get bored pretty quickly if I do the same thing over and over again, so I think I'm going to incorporate more dance practice into my weeks. I need it because I've become rusty, and it's exercise that I love to do and that I know I will keep up with. I have two choreographies to perfect for a semester-end recital, and I want to put a new one together over the summer in the hopes I will have a solo spot in Raks Party 2010 this fall. The only obstacle to this is keeping my room clean...yikes! I've been trying to clean my room bit by bit and so far it's taken me a week and I'm still not done! I'm not kidding. Ask my boyfriend.
So I'm going to try and refocus my energies. Apologies to those who follow me and have already heard this about five times (I told you never finish anything...). Maybe I've been quitting more often than most people, but I really have no will to do things just for me - if it's something for somebody else, I can have it done in as little time as possible, but I have a really difficult time focusing on my own body and my own self sometimes. I really miss my yoga class - that was awesome "me" time. Maybe now that my room is clean I can roll out my yoga mat again. At least I keep coming back to my plan and trying again. If you don't succeed, try, try again, I guess.
I've been trying to think of creative incentives to keep me exercising, and I think I've found one that might work. Ten-pound goal rewards always seem so distant...I haven't even lost ten pounds yet! : ( I saw a comment on one of Jack's posts, I think, where a woman was giving herself fifty cents for every workout so she could save up and buy something for herself. Although my budget is quickly becoming tighter, I think I might start doing this too. I'm going to empty out my piggy bank and start replacing the coins for every workout - I'm thinking 25 cents for every half hour, and when I get a good amount of cash saved up I'm going to buy myself a new swimsuit! That's like double incentive, right? :P I really need a new swimsuit as mine from last year never looked great to being with and is starting to fall apart now. I think I might keep track of how much is in my bank on the side of my blog as a reminder to myself to keep it up.
I just wanted to make a shoutout to a few people. Firstly, my boyfriend's mom Terri for losing over ten pounds! Yay! She said that I was an inspiration for her, but sphff - now she's an inspiration for me. Also, to my Uncle Richard, for reading this and giving me some really great weight-loss advice. He too has always struggled with his weight, and his timely email today renewed my resolve to not only get this weight gone, but to consider the life-long changes I'm making. Thanks to both of you guys. : )
Also - Happy Belated Birthday, Alexia! You rock my socks off, lady. : )
And a huge thanks to all my readers who are sticking with me even though I'm not doing a great job here right now. A couple of time I have thought about abandoning this blog and just giving up, but knowing that are people are expecting posts and progress of me is really helping me out. I love this community, and I truly appreciate everybody who reads my ups and downs.
Okay, well I've done a little dancing and now I'm going to keep going. Adios! <3
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Truth Hurts
Hey friends. I know I haven't posted for a few days, and there's a reason for it. I haven't been eating very well. I haven't necessarily been binging, but I have been eating a lot of cookies and ice cream. I have terrible cravings for chocolate and sweets this time of the month (I have a bad sweet tooth anyway, but the other three weeks of the month I can more or less avoid it; during Aunt Flo's visit, not at all) and I haven't been posting because I haven't wanted to keep track of it/have you guys know all the crap in my system. But here I am, admitting it. Yay progress.
There's been a lot of serious questions posed in the blogosphere the past couple of weeks. Questions about why this time the weight will stay off, about how badly we want to lose weight, about motivation, etc. Some of Jack's questions really stuck with me, so I thought shit, why not answer them?
Why do you suppose you let your life be less than you imagined it to be?
I don't really believe my life is less anything even though I'm overweight. Yeah, I've got some fat hanging around, but it isn't anything that keeps me from doing the things I love to do. It's not like I sit around and imagine myself walking around town, fifty pounds thinner and looking like a model, or that I believe happiness lies within this image. I'm young. I don't have a lot of past to regret, and I don't have any past that I ignore because I was fat. Life is what you make it, and every day I make mine awesome by doing well in school, learning about things I find interesting, hanging around cool people, and teaching myself to be more trusting and more loving in order to overcome the things in my past that have affected me.
Why do you stumble so often despite all your good intentions?
This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. So if I make goals and don't meet them, there are only two possible reasons. Either A) My goals were unattainable or unrealistic, or B) I didn't really want to meet those goals anyway. Here's some recent goals I've been evaluating:
Because I am. Duh.
But no, really. This time I want it, and I'm taking it slow. It's weight loss that's manageable, and most importantly, maintainable...if that's a word. Everybody has their own pace. Some people really can lose five pounds in a week. I could bust my ass in the gym every single day and that would never happen for me. I know I lose weight slowly, and in the past I never noticed a weight gain because I gain weight slowly too. I'm tired of comparing myself to other people, and recently to other bloggers. Most of the blogs I follow are by people who have lost 20, 30, 60 pounds. I crave that success, but it's going to take me a long time. I'm not going to judge myself for being slow about it - at least I'm doing it. I hope you don't judge me either. And if I'm too slow for you, then...tough shit!
Why are you here anyway?
In the past, my efforts have always stayed in my own head. I didn't tell people I was working out or eating right because I was afraid of what they'd say if I failed. But making it public, more or less, this time around, it's helping me be accountable and reading all your stories keeps me motivated and inspired when I really need to be. I've realized that there really isn't a "fail" option here, besides not trying at all. We are all works in progress.
Whether I lose 50 pounds by Christmas or fall short, it's all okay. I'm still changing my habits. I'm still changing my life.
Well. Gotta go to class so I can live my awesome life. Much love. : )
There's been a lot of serious questions posed in the blogosphere the past couple of weeks. Questions about why this time the weight will stay off, about how badly we want to lose weight, about motivation, etc. Some of Jack's questions really stuck with me, so I thought shit, why not answer them?
Why do you suppose you let your life be less than you imagined it to be?
I don't really believe my life is less anything even though I'm overweight. Yeah, I've got some fat hanging around, but it isn't anything that keeps me from doing the things I love to do. It's not like I sit around and imagine myself walking around town, fifty pounds thinner and looking like a model, or that I believe happiness lies within this image. I'm young. I don't have a lot of past to regret, and I don't have any past that I ignore because I was fat. Life is what you make it, and every day I make mine awesome by doing well in school, learning about things I find interesting, hanging around cool people, and teaching myself to be more trusting and more loving in order to overcome the things in my past that have affected me.
Why do you stumble so often despite all your good intentions?
This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. So if I make goals and don't meet them, there are only two possible reasons. Either A) My goals were unattainable or unrealistic, or B) I didn't really want to meet those goals anyway. Here's some recent goals I've been evaluating:
- Do I want to lose 50 pounds? Yes. Absolutely.
- Do I want to go to the gym five days a week? Hell no. There are plenty of other things I'd rather be doing than working out - hence why I never make it five days a week. I say it's a goal because I should do it, but it's not something I want to do.
- Do I want to burn 1,750 calories per week through exercise? Yes. I've done the math, and I know that when my eating slides, that activity will help me lose that fifty pounds. I can spread these calories out however I like them, adjusting my activity for what I feel like doing that day. I feel a lot more comfortable with this goal than the previous one because it's specific while still flexible.
- Do I want to eat out less than twice a week? Nope. I love going out to eat. The city where I'm living has so many great restaurants, I want to try them all. And not just tasty places like Olive Garden - we have an entire street lined with ethnic restaurants. Thai, Indian, Moroccan, Vietnamese, Japanese, French, Mexican, one of the best pizza places in the country...the options are limitless and I love trying new things.
- Do I want to eat only 1300 calories a day? ...Meh. I don't really want to limit myself sometimes, but then other times I do. I feel better when I eat less and eat healthy stuff. But I can't deny my love of cookies.
Because I am. Duh.
But no, really. This time I want it, and I'm taking it slow. It's weight loss that's manageable, and most importantly, maintainable...if that's a word. Everybody has their own pace. Some people really can lose five pounds in a week. I could bust my ass in the gym every single day and that would never happen for me. I know I lose weight slowly, and in the past I never noticed a weight gain because I gain weight slowly too. I'm tired of comparing myself to other people, and recently to other bloggers. Most of the blogs I follow are by people who have lost 20, 30, 60 pounds. I crave that success, but it's going to take me a long time. I'm not going to judge myself for being slow about it - at least I'm doing it. I hope you don't judge me either. And if I'm too slow for you, then...tough shit!
Why are you here anyway?
In the past, my efforts have always stayed in my own head. I didn't tell people I was working out or eating right because I was afraid of what they'd say if I failed. But making it public, more or less, this time around, it's helping me be accountable and reading all your stories keeps me motivated and inspired when I really need to be. I've realized that there really isn't a "fail" option here, besides not trying at all. We are all works in progress.
Whether I lose 50 pounds by Christmas or fall short, it's all okay. I'm still changing my habits. I'm still changing my life.
Well. Gotta go to class so I can live my awesome life. Much love. : )
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wednesday Weigh-In #6
Helloooo! Holaaaaa!
Well today I broke my no-eating-out rule again. A friend came over to watch movies and we ordered pizzas. Boo on me. I ate a whole bunch, but at least it was thin crust...right? At the gym today I did 500 calories to try and make up for last night's popcorn binge, but I just wasted all my effort with that pizza. I don't know why I get cocky after a week or so of eating well and think this weight is just going to melt off. Maybe this is why I've been feeling too good for healthy food lately.
I currently weigh 200 pounds. Yay me! I have lost 8.5 pounds since starting in January. I am behind schedule to lose 50 pounds by Christmas Eve, but I did fall off the horse for a good three weeks there and have to re-lose that weight (how frustrating...). However, I really need to step it up again. I'm so very close to my first goal of losing ten pounds, and so close to my massage! I haven't weighed something less than 200 pounds in over a year. This is so exciting!
I'm really gonna turn it out the rest of this spring break. I've been doing really well at the gym, I just need to keep myself busy so that I don't stray into the kitchen to eat everything in sight.
But yay 200! I think I'ma go chill and read or something. You guys have a good night/day! <3
Well today I broke my no-eating-out rule again. A friend came over to watch movies and we ordered pizzas. Boo on me. I ate a whole bunch, but at least it was thin crust...right? At the gym today I did 500 calories to try and make up for last night's popcorn binge, but I just wasted all my effort with that pizza. I don't know why I get cocky after a week or so of eating well and think this weight is just going to melt off. Maybe this is why I've been feeling too good for healthy food lately.
I currently weigh 200 pounds. Yay me! I have lost 8.5 pounds since starting in January. I am behind schedule to lose 50 pounds by Christmas Eve, but I did fall off the horse for a good three weeks there and have to re-lose that weight (how frustrating...). However, I really need to step it up again. I'm so very close to my first goal of losing ten pounds, and so close to my massage! I haven't weighed something less than 200 pounds in over a year. This is so exciting!
I'm really gonna turn it out the rest of this spring break. I've been doing really well at the gym, I just need to keep myself busy so that I don't stray into the kitchen to eat everything in sight.
But yay 200! I think I'ma go chill and read or something. You guys have a good night/day! <3
Sunshine? Yes please!
Today was really a great day. The weather was hands down my favorite weather - in the low sixties, sunny, light breeze. If it gets any warmer than that I tend to melt (says the girl who wants to be an archaeologist in Mexico....real smart...). So today I went out for a walk down to City Hall to register for an Introduction to Vegetable Gardening class, which ended up being full already, and then I wandered around downtown for a bit, had an italian soda and some chocolate gelato at my favorite cafe, and then walked home. I was out walking for a good two hours and got some serious exercise in, which was good because I really didn't feel like being in the gym on such a gorgeous day.
I came home and cleaned our kitchen from top to bottom. It took me two hour because it was completely filthy. We're all so busy we tend to let things go, and since we don't have a dishwasher the dishes pile up like nobody's business. I swear I would cook for myself more often if we had a dishwasher and everything wasn't dirty every time I went to make something tasty. Tomorrow I absolutely have to tackle my bedroom, and I should really do some homework...ugh. I'm never going to survive this next year. I just found out I'm going to be able to graduate on time (I transferred in the middle of my sophomore year and technically had to switch majors, so I always thought I'd be graduating a year late), but in order to do that I have to take summer classes. Talk about stresssss. : /
Anyway. Today I broke my rule of eating only me-made things. First I had the gelato. Although I did make myself dinner (the Turkey Taco Lettuce Roll Wrap Spin-Up Whatevers), my roommate wanted to get out the house and go to the movies. Baaaaad idea. I don't know what it is about the movies but I always eat like an asshole, as if I'm never going to see popcorn or slushies again. And of course we went to the drugstore to get candy beforehand. I ate a bag of skittles and a bag of mini York Peppermint Patties (I would seriously whore myself out for York patties...I love them). However, the Diet Gods were actually smiling on me for once - I unknowingly grabbed a bag of sugar-free York patties and consumed only 1/3 of the calories I would have otherwise. Pretty awesome. I think it's a sign that I just need to be more careful about my diet, and everything will fall into place.
Wanna see my dinner? Oh, I'm sure you're dying to.
The taco mix cooking made my house smell pretty delicious, but overall I'm not sure if I'm a fan of the turkey in this use. Since I don't like beef anyway, I feel no need to "replace" it with something more healthy - I would rather just have chicken. But overall, not bad. I'll definitely be eating the leftovers tomorrow.
And now for a little NSV. Over Christmas Break, I bought myself these really cute, faux-quilted-looking black rain boots. I'm not sure why I bought them, maybe because they were the only ones I could find that I liked, but they didn't fit over my big calves and if I stood in them they buckles and bent a bit in the middle. Walking in them was hard because they would push themselves away from my feet with every step because they couldn't go up any higher. Well I tried them on the other day and am happy to say that they barely bent in the middle at all! My calves are definitely getting smaller. That's pretty awesome. : )
Well guys, I'm going to go watch a little HGTV (I'm obscenely addicted) and digest my 8493 pounds of popcorn. Come back tomorrow for my weigh in! <3
I came home and cleaned our kitchen from top to bottom. It took me two hour because it was completely filthy. We're all so busy we tend to let things go, and since we don't have a dishwasher the dishes pile up like nobody's business. I swear I would cook for myself more often if we had a dishwasher and everything wasn't dirty every time I went to make something tasty. Tomorrow I absolutely have to tackle my bedroom, and I should really do some homework...ugh. I'm never going to survive this next year. I just found out I'm going to be able to graduate on time (I transferred in the middle of my sophomore year and technically had to switch majors, so I always thought I'd be graduating a year late), but in order to do that I have to take summer classes. Talk about stresssss. : /
Anyway. Today I broke my rule of eating only me-made things. First I had the gelato. Although I did make myself dinner (the Turkey Taco Lettuce Roll Wrap Spin-Up Whatevers), my roommate wanted to get out the house and go to the movies. Baaaaad idea. I don't know what it is about the movies but I always eat like an asshole, as if I'm never going to see popcorn or slushies again. And of course we went to the drugstore to get candy beforehand. I ate a bag of skittles and a bag of mini York Peppermint Patties (I would seriously whore myself out for York patties...I love them). However, the Diet Gods were actually smiling on me for once - I unknowingly grabbed a bag of sugar-free York patties and consumed only 1/3 of the calories I would have otherwise. Pretty awesome. I think it's a sign that I just need to be more careful about my diet, and everything will fall into place.
Wanna see my dinner? Oh, I'm sure you're dying to.
The taco mix cooking made my house smell pretty delicious, but overall I'm not sure if I'm a fan of the turkey in this use. Since I don't like beef anyway, I feel no need to "replace" it with something more healthy - I would rather just have chicken. But overall, not bad. I'll definitely be eating the leftovers tomorrow.
And now for a little NSV. Over Christmas Break, I bought myself these really cute, faux-quilted-looking black rain boots. I'm not sure why I bought them, maybe because they were the only ones I could find that I liked, but they didn't fit over my big calves and if I stood in them they buckles and bent a bit in the middle. Walking in them was hard because they would push themselves away from my feet with every step because they couldn't go up any higher. Well I tried them on the other day and am happy to say that they barely bent in the middle at all! My calves are definitely getting smaller. That's pretty awesome. : )
Well guys, I'm going to go watch a little HGTV (I'm obscenely addicted) and digest my 8493 pounds of popcorn. Come back tomorrow for my weigh in! <3
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Food, Inc.
So I know this is my second post in a day...technically not since it's nearly 1:30 am, but whathaveyou.
I just watched the documentary Food, Inc. It was nominated for an Oscar this year - didn't win and I can see why now that I've watched it. It just lacked a certain...something. However, it was compelling and I highly recommend that you all go download/buy/rent it and watch it tomorrow. I'm not kidding. Cut an hour and a half out of your time this week to watch this documentary. It may change or even save your life.
I don't want to spoil what the documentary is about (mostly because I want you to WATCH IT), but I will say that it struck a nerve with me. More than that, it inspired emotion in me. At the end, I was upset at the food industry, concerned for my own well-being, saddened by the fortunes of people who work in the food industry or don't make enough money to break the shackles of the Dollar Menu, and at the end I came away with a fire lit under my ass. It's a big fire, and I want to light your asses on fire, too.
Educate yourselves. Don't be a mindless cow wandering through the aisles of Walmart like a deer in headlights, blinded by the pretty packaging and empty promises of the wrappers of the food you're putting in your mouth. In this online community, we are all aware of what we eat, but I challenge you to take it one step further. Learn exactly what's in your food. Learn where your food comes from. Learn who processes your food and who distributes it. Learn and see if your food has been genetically modified. Most of all, learn who makes your food. Read the labels. If there's anything you can't pronounce, choose something else when you can. If you can pronounce it but you don't know what it is, choose something else when you can. Buy local. Buy organic. Buy from farmer's markets. Better yet, grow your own food. Do you know what a broccoli plant actually looks like? Do you know what a real chicken looks like? Do you know how cheese is made? Educate yourselves about what you're eating - it is your most basic right.
Please don't assume I'm trying to preach to you, because this is just as much of a challenge to myself as it is to you. Only three of four years ago did I actually see a broccoli plant for the first time. That day I saw real broccoli, real zucchini, real tomatoes, real beans, real corn. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I vaguely understood that organic = good. It wasn't until an hour ago that I really cared.
I understand that buying real, whole food is expensive for people with tight budgets. Having grown up half the time on welfare and food stamps, I know what is cheapest is what's going to be bought in every situation. But maybe pull a little of your income from other things - that movie night, that pizza delivery, that new purse - and buy real, good, really good food. By doing this, you are not only nourishing yourself, but you are nourishing the community of people who want to live well on wholesome food, and you are nourishing the planet. Buy a new, organic vegetable a week and cook dinner with your family, even on Saturday night when your fourteen-year old daughter wants to go out with a boy in a car, your husband is exhausted from work, and all you want to do is pop in a TV dinner and watch TV. Personally, even though I have 3294837238939 things to save money for, I am going to spend more money on better food to feed myself and whoever else wants to eat with me, to nourish my planet, and to invest in my community. I will be staple of farmer's markets this summer; I'm going to look into my local government to see if I can get a small piece of land to grow my own garden.
There is a huge detachment from us and our food in this country, and I find it unsettling, even disturbing.
Again, I'm not trying to preach. I feel passionate about this. My eyes have finally been fully opened and I'm ready to start challenging myself to really know the most basic of things - what I'm eating. I hope you'll do the same.
I just watched the documentary Food, Inc. It was nominated for an Oscar this year - didn't win and I can see why now that I've watched it. It just lacked a certain...something. However, it was compelling and I highly recommend that you all go download/buy/rent it and watch it tomorrow. I'm not kidding. Cut an hour and a half out of your time this week to watch this documentary. It may change or even save your life.
I don't want to spoil what the documentary is about (mostly because I want you to WATCH IT), but I will say that it struck a nerve with me. More than that, it inspired emotion in me. At the end, I was upset at the food industry, concerned for my own well-being, saddened by the fortunes of people who work in the food industry or don't make enough money to break the shackles of the Dollar Menu, and at the end I came away with a fire lit under my ass. It's a big fire, and I want to light your asses on fire, too.
Educate yourselves. Don't be a mindless cow wandering through the aisles of Walmart like a deer in headlights, blinded by the pretty packaging and empty promises of the wrappers of the food you're putting in your mouth. In this online community, we are all aware of what we eat, but I challenge you to take it one step further. Learn exactly what's in your food. Learn where your food comes from. Learn who processes your food and who distributes it. Learn and see if your food has been genetically modified. Most of all, learn who makes your food. Read the labels. If there's anything you can't pronounce, choose something else when you can. If you can pronounce it but you don't know what it is, choose something else when you can. Buy local. Buy organic. Buy from farmer's markets. Better yet, grow your own food. Do you know what a broccoli plant actually looks like? Do you know what a real chicken looks like? Do you know how cheese is made? Educate yourselves about what you're eating - it is your most basic right.
Please don't assume I'm trying to preach to you, because this is just as much of a challenge to myself as it is to you. Only three of four years ago did I actually see a broccoli plant for the first time. That day I saw real broccoli, real zucchini, real tomatoes, real beans, real corn. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I vaguely understood that organic = good. It wasn't until an hour ago that I really cared.
I understand that buying real, whole food is expensive for people with tight budgets. Having grown up half the time on welfare and food stamps, I know what is cheapest is what's going to be bought in every situation. But maybe pull a little of your income from other things - that movie night, that pizza delivery, that new purse - and buy real, good, really good food. By doing this, you are not only nourishing yourself, but you are nourishing the community of people who want to live well on wholesome food, and you are nourishing the planet. Buy a new, organic vegetable a week and cook dinner with your family, even on Saturday night when your fourteen-year old daughter wants to go out with a boy in a car, your husband is exhausted from work, and all you want to do is pop in a TV dinner and watch TV. Personally, even though I have 3294837238939 things to save money for, I am going to spend more money on better food to feed myself and whoever else wants to eat with me, to nourish my planet, and to invest in my community. I will be staple of farmer's markets this summer; I'm going to look into my local government to see if I can get a small piece of land to grow my own garden.
There is a huge detachment from us and our food in this country, and I find it unsettling, even disturbing.
Again, I'm not trying to preach. I feel passionate about this. My eyes have finally been fully opened and I'm ready to start challenging myself to really know the most basic of things - what I'm eating. I hope you'll do the same.
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