Well, it's Monday again, and I have spent all day so far wishing I could go back to bed. Opening at 7 am on a Monday morning is really the worst. The payoff, however, is half-price martini nights on Thursdays with a bunch of friends at a beautiful restaurant. Mmm, martinis...
So, now that I have internet in my hands again, I wanted to come back and evaluate how well I stuck to last week's schedule. My grade: D
I'm giving myself a D and not an F because I did actually try three out of the five recipes I had on the schedule - everything but the Spicy Beef and Friday night's delicious-sounding pork loin thing. I worked out on Monday, but didn't work out again last week, not even yesterday which is technically in this week. So a definite F for the exercise, and a C for healthy eating. I unfortunately chose to eat ridiculous amounts of ice cream last week (three nights of the week), as well as candy bars (Aunt Flo's in town). I've been shoveling down lots of cheese and donuts at work. I think I gravitate toward these things at work because they smell/taste awesome and I'm usually feeling very stressed. I need to find a better way of relieving my work stress than cheese and donuts.
As far as the exercise goes, I haven't been going because I love to be at home with my boyfriend. I know it sounds sappy and awful, but I look forward to coming home and being able to spend decent time with him doing whatever we want (usually watching Netflix until we're too tired to stay awake). Anything that takes away from my time with him in the evenings is something I don't want to do. He's going to have a busy, bad semester and I want as much of his spare attention as I can get, haha. Really though, I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and get over it - he's always gonna be there, and so is my fat if I don't leave him for an hour a night to get rid of it.
I've been thinking lately about reasons why I can't seem to keep on track or on top of my plan, reasons why I can't seem to eat healthy and workout for more than a month before it all goes to shit. I've been having some moments of depression lately, the kind of depression I haven't had to handle in a long time. I think it stems mostly from on one level wanting to be healthy and fit while on another level believing that I can't achieve those goals, that those things are meant for other people. I get depressed because I want to be healthy, but then when I falter in my workouts or my eating, I think "Why am I doing this? It's pointless". And then I get more depressed by thinking that I have to resign myself to this overweight, slow, unhealthy body and the depressed mind that goes with it.
I've always been put in the "big-boned" category and had incredibly visual reminders of my place - I am 5' 8", currently 214 pounds, with blonde hair, big eyes, big boobs, big hips, big everything. My sister is just about 5 foot even, weighs 100 pounds when she's been eating too much McDonald's, and if I were to make a circle with my hands her thigh would easily fit inside of it. I take after my father's side of the family - tall, large, blonde. My sister takes after my mom's side - short, thin, bone-y. I didn't grow up with my dad's side of the family. Actually, I've never met most of my relatives on his side. I grew up with my mom's side, the side that doesn't look like me at all. I think that feeling of being out of place, of not belonging, follows me around just about everywhere, but especially in the gym or on the scale. As long as I ignore that feeling I can be successful with this - I don't struggle as hard to achieve a healthier diet or regular workouts. But as soon as I slip up, the second I eat a donut or skip a dance class, I feel like I'm an idiot for working so hard to achieve what was never meant to be mine - a strong, fit body and a healthy diet. And then I get depressed. And then I start weighing 214.
I think instead of ignoring that feeling, I need to confront and eradicate it so it doesn't come back. Maybe I should treat it like cancer - identify it, construct a treatment plan, and then vigorously attack it until it gets the hint and goes the hell away. I have always wanted and fought for complete control of myself, my life, and my time. Nothing means more to me than that control, and I've been thinking for a long time that my health problems were outside my control, that they were something I'd have to accept and let someone else tell me how to handle them. But my weight and my diet are under my control. They're probably the most basic things I can control, so why am I not controlling them? I have to tell myself that I can, and I will. And once I reclaim power over my weight from childhood feelings, depression, and adult uncertainty, I think I will be able to do this. I think I deserve it, after all.
This week, I'm going to use the same schedule (with this week's dinners added).
Bellydance classes start again this week and I am seriously excited. I love bellydance - I honestly think I'd be even more depressed if I didn't have such a wonderful activity to look forward to. I'm good at it, it makes me feel beautiful and sexy, and the other girls in class are pretty awesome too. I even found a good bellydance instructor in Newcastle, where I'm hoping to go for grad school! Bellydance is definitely something to smile about. : )
Well, I should probably go to class. Adios for now. : )
No comments:
Post a Comment